Washed Weekly: A Morning at Washed, Ballpark Foods, & Microwaved Salmon
Male friendship 📈
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A Timeline of a Totally Normal Morning at Washed Media
by
Below is a portrayal of a common weekday morning at Washed Media in Austin, Texas. While some events may be changed or dramatized, they all stem from real or recurring events.1
8:29 a.m. — I pull in and scan the parking lot. As long as the spot closest to our office is open, it’s going to be a good day. If someone else is parked there, I will consider having it towed until I remember that I’m not allowed to do that anymore.
8:31 a.m. — Dump backpack, set coffee down, flip on all the lights. I put on as few lights as possible in hopes no one turns on the overhead lights.
8:37 a.m. — Flip on the television. Search for something that’s decent background noise but nothing that skews too “ESPN talking heads.”
8:38 a.m. — Consider putting on a Talking Heads concert on YouTube instead.
8:51 a.m. — I see headlights in my computer screen which means people from both our office and the surrounding offices are about to pull in.
9:01 a.m. — I look at the clock while checking my email from the night before. I wonder if I was productive enough while the office was empty (I wasn’t).
9:13 a.m. — Brett pulls in and does a hair shake before checking himself out in the HQ window. I hit him with an intentionally monotone “whattt uppp” and he responds simply with, “Big deFreezy, what up.”
9:17 a.m. — Brett and I settle in and talk generic talking points of the day: quick or pressing to-dos, how sick dogsitting is, or if he’s really down bad for topics with me, last night’s sports.
9:24 a.m. — The conversation becomes distracted while we both look at stuff on our screens in between talking. We’ve mastered this for what is now years.
9:30 a.m. — Dillon arrives. He walks in with a, “Soooooo, how’s everyone’s day going?” Sometimes people answer him and he remains happy. Other times, however, no one answers and he becomes very affected by it. If he’s truly rattled, he’ll raise his brows and mouth, “Ooookay.”
Honestly, sometimes I just don’t have an answer because nothing cool has happened to me that morning or the night before.
9:34 a.m. — Dave arrives. Backpack over the shoulders, throws that thing down next to his desk. A typical strong, silent Dave entrance. Lately, however, Dave has been turning on the overhead light directly above our office television.
While this light doesn’t really bother me, I can tell that it kills Brett inside to see it in the reflection of his screen. I haven’t written off that Dave is aware of this and is using it as a way to assert his dominance throughout the office.
At 9:40 moments after writing the above, Dave walked into the office and flipped it on.
9:37 a.m. — Dillon cracks open his protein bar and tells us which muscle groups he hit this morning and/or how far he walked his dog on the trail.
9:39 a.m. — Randy arrives in one of three ways: (1) pulls in, normal parking spot (2) pulls in, bad parking spot because he was last to arrive (3) on his bike with his biceps glistening from his trek down South Lamar. If he does indeed bike, he likes to act like it’s not a big deal when he definitely knows it’s a big deal.
9:41 a.m. — Randy’s fuck-arounds begin to become too much and he simply must fuck around. He scours the entire office for a way to fuck around.
9:42 a.m. — Someone asks, “Anyone watch [redacted popular television show] yet?” which we then discuss for the next ten minutes while shoehorning in other recommendations.
9:51 a.m. — The first new dash of the day on the Office [Redacted] Board gets marked down.
9:58 a.m. — I briefly toss some headphones in for two reasons: (1) to get something done without distraction and (2) to put out the vibe to Randy that I simply cannot be fucked around with at this time.
10:01 a.m. — Randy hovers over my desk staring at me while I do a 1,000-yard stare at my screen to ignore him. He stands there for long enough that I have to acknowledge his presence, so I take out one headphone only for him to ask me a question that definitely could’ve waited.
10:18 a.m. — Circling Back rundown complete. The aim is always to start at 10:30 a.m. but we never start until 10:37 a.m. The pre-fun and easy banter before the Fun & Easy Banter.
10:29 a.m. — Full squad preventative tinky break.
10:37 a.m. — Randy: “Alright, in 3-2-…”
It’s Hilarious Ballpark Food Szn
by Dave
I started writing this on Opening Day but tabled it out of respect for Dillon’s entry regarding Will’s departure from the show. What a guy I am.
Back in the day, a group of us who had been friends since high school would take the day off and go watch Michael Young, Ian Kinsler, CJ Wilson and the boys get our hopes year after year. Those were fun Ranger teams. In college, we would occasionally ditch classes and head north on 35 to watch those teams with Hank Blalock and Mark Teixeira hit a silly amount of dingers and lose 85 games. Hell, we would even sneak up for a dollar dog night ever so often (My record was eight). This was not the era of ballpark excess. We were innocent then, but not anymore. Something changed around 2015.
Blame blogs, Twitter, Instagram, or just social media managers, but we lost our way as fans. Dollar dog night used to be the ultimate, but now, we are living in a world where a hot dog doesn’t even move the needle. Kids these days don’t give a damn about a tiny batting helmet with a scoop of vanilla ice cream in it. Nah, they want a calzone stuffed with a banana sundae stuffed inside of it.
Back in the golden era of blogs, life was all about pageviews. Clicks. Traffic. Time on site? Not so much. When springtime rolled around, we knew we could count on one thing to get us through the lulls that would hit every original content outlet: 250 words on a ballpark food gimmick. It was a quick and easy way to drive clicks directly to your site and convert approximately zero of those eyeballs into return readers. We did what we had to do, and the comment section let us know how they felt about it. Not well received, folks! Rightfully so. The diehard readers were there for original creative content not a thirty second read on the pretzel shaped sausage covered in parmesan cheese that the Brewers were selling.
When my first place Texas Rangers dropped their new menu on the timeline recently, it really brought me back to that place:
Bacon on a Stick: Thick-cut Danish bacon, cooked to crispy perfection and glazed with sweet Dr Pepper BBQ sauce. Served on a stick for easy enjoyment.
This is one of the more Idiocracy-friendly items they’re offering this year. As if a thick cut of bacon served on a stick wasn’t enough to satisfy every suburban scumbag like me, they top it off with a little Dr. Pepper glaze. That, my friends, is a nice touch.
Cajun Nachos: Tostitos tortilla chips loaded with Cajun white queso and topped with savory chicken and sausage gumbo.
Lobster Mac & Cheese – Lobster Sensations seafood blend sautéed in garlic herb butter, served over cavatappi pasta with a three-cheese sauce and crispy panko breadcrumbs.
Blue Mint Thai Crazy Drunken Noodles – Stir-fried flat rice noodles with Thai spicy chili sauce, egg, onions, carrots, bell peppers, tomatoes, basil and a choice of protein.
I definitely rock with all three of these items, but I don’t think I rock with them at a baseball game. And while I’m sure the lobster is fine and won’t automatically setoff a suitcase nuke in my lower intestine, I’d simply feel too elitist eating that in section 310 while Mike from Rockwall is shoveling glizzies down his throat.
The Boomstick Burrito – A massive 26-inch flour tortilla filled with rice, beans, seasoned taco meat, Rico’s Nacho Cheese, pico de gallo, lettuce and sour cream. Served in four shareable portions.
Male friendship was dead until me and three fellas found it in a 26-inch burrito served in four shareable portions. I think as a major league operation, you’re allowed one signature completely moronic food item. That’s the Boomstick Burrito. It’s almost certainly going to have you disappearing from your seat during the bottom of the 6th and nearly all of the top of the 7th, but it’s a clout play. You and the absolutes will have a story to tell, and when you’re out at Texas Live, Sherlock’s, or Chicas Locas after the game, you can brag about your exploits as you point to the massive pico stain that adorns the Rangers Antigua polo you purchased from Academy the night before.
Did I just do the exact thing I mocked earlier in the column? Kind of. But I want people to be prepared this season when they head out for a ballgame. Bring your wallet. Bring some Tums. Take a probiotic, and drink plenty of water. Hell, get you a cold beer, hoss. Just be prepared when you head out to watch the boys take the field this spring.
Coffee Friday With Guest Brian McGannon
Dave and Brian reminisce on their time working together on the late Post Grad Problems blog, life, bar carts, barbecue, and midwestern pizza preferences.
My Masters Champions Dinner Menu
by
Shout out to Scottie for running back an almost identical menu to two years ago when he hosted the Champions Dinner for the first time. It’s a good menu but it’s a HEAVY menu.
No one’s doing Scottie-style sliders, fried shrimp, meatballs, Texas chili, right into a cowboy ribeye with mac and cheese and then coming at you with a skillet chocolate chip cookie and feeling great about it. I eat all that and I got to get some night nights, playboy. The next day when I’m either playing the par three contest or hitting the range to tune up my game before teeing off Thursday morning, I’m crazy sluggish. It’s just a lot.
Y’all know about that iron gut I have so my tummy could absolutely handle all that, but that doesn’t mean I’m going to the best version of myself the next morning. One veggie option? Poor Dave wouldn’t even be able to eat his greens since he can’t eat brussies. You can’t toss us a dinner salad, Scottie? Some green beans? A carrot?
While the lighter option of blackened redfish is available to you, are you going to be the guy eating fish in a room full of alpha males going in on ribeyes? Couldn’t be me. Wouldn't be me.
My version of the Champions Dinner menu, in the event I ever win the Masters, is as follows:
Appetizers
Orange Bell Peppers with Hummus - Let’s kick it off with something that’ll keep you light on your feet. A Super Bowl party staple. Everyone knows orange is the superior bell pepper color. Plain hummus, by the way. Let’s keep the sodium in check.
Hard Boiled Eggs, Dillon-Style - My style hard boileds basically means they peel perfectly every single time. My egg boiling method is perfect and will be gate-kept for the time being. We’re leaving the shell on so everyone can enjoy how easily and cleanly they peel. Imagine the delight on Danny Willett’s face when he looks down at an egg shell that peels in one solid, in-tact piece. Goodness!
First Course
Omelette with Pan Seared Black Forest Ham, Sautéed Yellow Onion and Orange Bell Pepper, Sharp Tillamook Cheese - I’ve been going crazy on omelettes lately. Perfect density. Ideal filling-to-egg ratio. Flavorful as hell. This is a Cheverere family recipe that’s beginning with me and will be passed on to my son. It’s a six-egg ommy that I cut in half and it feeds two grown adults. Each Champions Dinner attendee will be tasked with pairing up with an omelette partner for this reason.
Grilled Cheese Sandwich cut in half the long way - Another dish I have absolutely perfected and will put up against any in the world. I’m coming at you again with Tillamook sharp cheddar here, and plenty of it. Butter on the outside of the bread, Duke’s Mayo on the inside. Magnifique!
Main Course
Microwaved Salmon - The premier fish served the premier way, with an Asian glaze. The microwave will be located in the kitchen so as not to smell up the dining room.
Blueberry Pancakes from Scratch with Maple Syrup - Another dish that I’ve been going IN on lately and in which I have absolutely perfected my craft. Perfectly golden brown with about seven berries per cake.
Dessert
Key Lime Pie with Graham Cracker Crust - The GOAT of desserts.
Tableside Bananas Foster - Butter, brown sugar, rum, bananas, served over homemade vanilla ice cream.
Chelsea’s Crunchy Peanut Butter Stuffed Dates, Chilled - I tried recommending these on Circling Back but the guys decided to talk over me and make fun instead. Their loss!
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Additionally, I wrote this entire column just to tell people I get to work early.
This comment is in support of Randy having the morning fuck-arounds.
Got damnit I forgot Danny Willet has a green jacket. He’s going to town on that microwave salmon.