The State of Washed Media: April 2024

First Edition.

Apr 18, 2024

What you’re about to read is the unedited state of Washed Media, a small-to-mid-size media company located in Austin, Texas. Due to the fact that Washed Media is not a publicly traded company, we are able to openly discuss the inner-workings without fear of markets moving both home and abroad.

Hello.

My name is Will deFries and I’m part-owner of Washed Media. Below are some strengths, weaknesses, opportunities, and threats that face our company this month.

Strength: Simply put, we have too many snacks.

Wow, a company with a start-up-y vibe overspending on snacks and other shit they don’t need? Where have I heard that before?

Much like the total solar eclipse that graced Austin earlier this month, we’ve reached totality when it comes to the two (2) separate chip/snack boxes we receive through Amazon every month. I think one is on a three-week schedule, and one is on a two-week schedule. Not a big math guy but I think they’ll be crossing paths with one another probably once every couple years.

What are we supposed to do with all these under-filled bags of kettle chips? Is there a buy-back program we can apply to?

Weakness: Our in-office YouTube algorithm solely consists of DJs in scenic locations and sleepy AI-generated jazz music.

We’ve been facing this issue for about 16 months now due to B**** M*******. His affinity for AI has ruined our algorithm to the point of no return. No matter how many Goose live shows I put on, nothing ever sticks.

Opportunity: We simply have no idea who is going to write the Frat Transfer Portal column we brainstormed on Wednesday’s episode of Circling Back.

Dillon was quick to point out that the original idea was mine but when you’re in the presence of The King of Frat, Roger Dorn himself, it’s difficult to feel that your work will be up to snuff. Me, personally? I think he’s the guy for it despite knowing Dave would crush it harder than a Vortex bottle on gameday.

Threat: Brett’s been very publicly buying vintage hats for a golf trip none of us are going on.

To say that this has been a hit to morale would be an understatement. Dave and I are at home with two kids fighting for our lives while watching NHL games on our phones so our kids can watch Bluey for the thousandth time. Dillon has so much disdain for the game of golf at this point that even mentioning it gives him flashbacks of shanking it into the woods.

Knowing Brett will be tromping around Bandon in a bunch of stolen valor Texas oil company hats makes me sick. If he claims these are family heirlooms, I may need to infiltrate the group trip email thread and expose him.

Strength: Some Backers were here for a bachelorette party and gave us their leftover weed.

This was a Big Motion move from the ladies. While I don’t know when this joint and these 10mg edibles will be used, I do think there’s a good possibility for a Deal Joint® if things go to plan.

Weakness: I haven’t seen my W2 this year.

Is this an issue? I think my accountant (aka our buddy who we play golf with sometimes on Fridays) told me it was filed but I don’t really think I did enough to get the ball across the goal line? He probably just has it, right? Like he does all our accounting both personal and business, so he’s got it… right? Yeah, he’s got it.

Even if I needed to come up with it, I have no idea where to go at this point. Do I have QuickBooks access? I mean, probably but I don’t think I’ve ever used it. Our in-house HR department is Dillon who famously hunts and pecks, so it just might take a while to hunt down.

Opportunity: We desperately need to assign someone as The Meet-Up Chair.

Hhhhh’yeah, we’ve got some meet-ups in the pipeline. Chicago at the end of June. Whole squad is going to be in attendance. The issue? We really don’t have a lead dog right now making things happen.

We’ve got Backers and GFOWs (Good Friends of Washed) volume-shooting bars, steakhouses, and pizza spots at us but that’s all foreign to me. If I do the planning, one moment we’ll be at a bar in The Viagra Triangle, and the next we’ll be outside the house they filmed Shameless in.

I trust Randy because he knows Chicago, but I also trust Dillon way more to book squad flights. Dave’s heading up the Steakhouse Selection Committee, so not sure about his bandwidth.

But with three meet-ups between now and the fall, it’s time to get locked in.

Threat: Taylor Swift’s album is dropping which means slams laptop til Monday will be a bloodbath in the comment section.

Yeah, sure, I’ll include a Taylor photo. No, I won’t make the entire slideshow Taylor Swift — that’s lame. And no, I don’t post Taylor Swift every week so please get off my back.

As it currently stands, I’m leading off with the video of her chugging a bottle of clear liquor at The VMAs. The video itself? It’s fine. One of those “I’m only including it because it will do numbers” plays. You get it.

Strength: We’re testing a new Patreon episode on Tuesday where we just call listeners.

It’s called Cold Call and we’ve been talking about doing it for a couple months after we received a listener voicemail that was so egregious we had to call him. Apparently the dude caught Costner porking in the back of the valet lot? I don’t know, you’ll have to ask him.

You can sign up to get called here, and you can subscribe here. But the best moments of Circling Back are when we do these types of things so I’m genuinely excited to create a dialogue.

Weakness: It feels like we’ve been low on good toilet paper for like 3 weeks now.

While I know Randy ordered more, I still found myself using the see-through stuff Dillon bought from OfficeMax in May 2023 when we were low a couple weeks ago.

“We definitely have more good stuff,” Randy told me as he replaced the roll.

But today we’re facing one single roll left in the bathroom which is a nightmare scenario when someone at the company is literally nicknamed Mondo.

Opportunity: The Mavs are a five-seed in the West.

You ever come in contact with Playoff Dave? It’s infectious. Dude is still riding the high of the Rangers World Series and doesn’t seem to be looking back. Sure, he’s got some bags under his eyes the morning after some overtimes but he’s still got that pretty boy swag he’s known for.

Threat: Randy’s going on a bachelor party to Lake Tahoe this weekend.

The pros:

Randy gets his much-needed time off.
Randy gets to fire off a p-flare when he arrives.
Randy will likely do content because he does more content outside of the office than inside of the office (which I somehow respect).

The cons:

We won’t have video on Circling Back this Monday.
Randy won’t be able to speak right for about a week after his return.
We’re facing another dreaded Producer Week if things spiral out of control out west.

To all our stakeholders who have made it this far, it’s been my pleasure sharing the above information with you.

Sincerely,

Will