Washed Weekly: Simulated Gun Violence & Golfing With My Absolutes
Washed Weekly: Simulated Gun Violence & Golfing With My Absolutes
Unsportsmanlike conduct for brandishing a weapon.
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So Hot Right Now: Simulated Gun Violence in College Football
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Have you noticed that some celebrating is allowed in college football this year? In years past, if you’d do anything other than drop the ball or hand it to a ref after scoring a touchdown, you’d get flagged for it. That’s no fun at all.
In 2024, you still can’t celebrate like they do in the NFL, with these elaborate and choreographed routines that often involve other teammates, but they give you about a five-second grace period after crossing the goal line to hit a quick dance move before returning to your sideline. Don’t get carried away and there won’t be a flag. It’s been nice. It’s been fun.
A new trend is taking over college football this season, however.
Out: Dance moves and elaborate handshakes
In: Simulating killing the opposing team vie firearm
I’ve gathered a few of my favorite gun violence celebrations from the first six weeks of college football for your enjoyment.
1. LSU’s Kyren Lacy eliminates a Trojan defensive back.
Gun of choice: Sawed-off shotty
Number of shots fired: Just one (1)
Where the victim was shot: Head/face
Penalty: Personal foul, 15 yards
I’ve always said there’s no better way to celebrate a big play than blowing your opponent’s head clear off his body from close range. A sawed-off shotty from a few feet away is nasty business. Also hilarious that he was so eager to show his teammates on the sideline the manner in which he killed that poor guy.
2. South Carolina’s Dylan Stewart fills Ole Miss quarterback Jaxson Dart full of lead.
Gun of choice: AK-47
Number of shots fired: About 8
Where the victim was shot: Head and torso
Penalty: Personal foul, 15 yards
This weapon is a bit harder to identify but that recoil suggests it’s a heavier caliber than something like an uzi or a Mac 10, plus those are typically held with only one hand. Definitely a fully auto, though. Looking like an AK to me. Jaxson Dart was sacked by the young freshman, and if that’s not enough, he had to look up and watch him empty a clip into his face. Tough to come back from.
3. Defensive back from Davenport University pulls a nine and executes GVSU receiver.
Gun of choice: 9mm or .40 cal, possibly a Glock
Number of shots fired: Just the one
Where the victim was shot: Back of head
Penalty: Personal foul, 15 yards
Davenport is down 17 with less than two minutes to go in the game. With no hope of actually winning, the DB defends a pass to force 4th down and likely a field goal attempt. Nice play! Instead of returning to his sideline and riding out the rest of this L, he decides to pull a piece from his waistband and execute the receiver by putting one in the back of his head. Game over.
4. Minnesota defensive back flashes his piece (but doesn’t shoot it).
Gun of choice: Hard to say, probably another 9mm
Number of shots fired: Zero
Where the victim was shot: No victim was shot, as this was merely a warning
Penalty: Personal foul, 15 yards
This one might be my favorite, and not because there was no actual “violence” this time. I actually encourage violence (as long as it’s simulated). It’s my favorite because the referee chose to fully explain the personal foul. The extra stank he puts “weapon” in the phrase “brandishing a WEAPon” is one of the greatest calls of my lifetime. Bonus points since this player’s team was only up a touchdown when this penalty was committed late in the game.
I just wish they’d stop flagging these cellies. They’re good for college football.
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My One-Month-Out-From-A-Golf-Trip To-Do List
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I’m not scared of death. I’m scared of being lonely in the time that I have on this earth. A 2021 study found that the percentage of men who say they have no close friends has increased from just 3 percent of men in 1990 reported having no close friends, but by 2021, that number had grown to 15 percent. Can you imagine a world where you have exactly zero absolute boys to chill with?
Months ago, I did an application to go on golf trips with various friend groups. While I got several offers, my actual plan worked. My bet was that my childhood friends would see it and feel so bad for me that they’d have to coordinate something. I didn’t get a bachelor party due to COVID, I may add.
A month from today (yes, a Monday-Wednesday golf trip that I’m sure my wife loves), I will head to Aiken, South Carolina to play at Tree Farm. Whenever I tell this to real golfheads, I get a similar response: “Oh man, I’ve heard that’s a nice track.” That, or someone asking, “Wait, what? A farm of trees?” That’s neither here nor there, but I’ve heard Zac Blair has done wonders with the property.
The problem with all this? I’ve got a lot of prep to do. Here’s my entire to-do list.
Item A: Attack the back.
My back famously gets tight on two very specific occasions: when I ride on airplanes and when I play golf. Unfortunately for me, my back is going to get absolutely double-teamed while I’m with the boys that week. Sounds horrible both out of context and in context.
Theragun, Advil Liquigels, lacrosse balls, Peloton stretch routines, maybe a muscle relaxer — these will all make the bag as I trek east and torture my body for three days. If you see me at the King Gizzard & The Lizard Wizard concert in Austin that following Friday, do not judge my posture. Just know I’m hurting more inside than out.
Item B: Scripting.
“Scripting” is a ridiculous word used in the golf world for any given player’s outfits through the week. But much like using an F1-style “box, box, box” while asking my wife to exit the freeway, this has somehow made it into my vocabulary.
I give you the most polarizing man in golf fashion over the last year, Jason Day:
It’s time I do the same. The average November high temperatures in South Carolina are in the 55°F to 69°F range which means I’ll get to absolutely dress on this trip. I need to script my polo/quarter-zip combinations, my hats, my sock/pant combinations, and everything else in between. “Look good, feel good, absolutely piss on drives,” they say.
Item C: Shopping list.
I recently heard that the average person spends “$225 per year on their hobby” which feels incredibly low to me. If anything, you’re just praying one single round of golf is under that when you go on a golf trip. Despite golf being an expensive woman to be with, she always keeps you coming back. This is what I need:
Gloves: Gotta have a freshie on the first tee of an out-of-state round.
Balls: You hate to pay pro shop prices when Amazon can deliver them in less than 10 hours to your front door. Give daddy some high-number ProV1s where I’ll play the 6s and 8s before the 5s and 7s.
Probably a new 3-wood: Yeah, I’m still playing with a TaylorMade R7 3W from about 2008. Yes, I still tend to bomb it. Yes, there are idiot marks all over it from when I’d use it off the tee. As much as I hate to part with an old friend, it’s time.
Nicotine: Noted absolute legend Dan Rapaport said it best: “That first Amen Corner upper decker really is something special. Look forward to it every single year.”
New Golf Pants: See Item B. Absolutely taking recommendations — no joggers.
Item D: Tank my handicap.
I had an early summer goal of wanting my handicap to be sub-10 by the end of August. Beginning around a 12.5, I ended up at a modest 10.5 that’s maybe a little lower than it should be. While I’m not upset about this, I do worry what will happen when I (1) walk in after barely playing for the last three months and (2) have a handicap that I can barely achieve due to the aforementioned.
I probably need two rounds in the 90s to really get any big motion going. Or I can just say, “Yeah, I’m a 12” and hope they don’t verify.
Item E: Acquire a wildcard.
I haven’t seen a couple of these guys in literal years which pains me to say. As goes, I’d love for this to be a celebratory mood. And as anyone knows, people don’t go nuts until someone busts out the wildcard. No, I’m not talking about drugs.
I’m talking a nice bottle of bourbon, some cigars, custom hats or socks — you know, things that could be considered “a nice touch.” Again, much like the golf pants department, I’m taking recommendations that will make them want to sprint across the green in excitement, Ryder Cup-style.
But seriously, no drugs. I’m 37 for goodness sake.
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