Washed Weekly: Withering Snacks & Yellow-Throated Warblers
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Ranking The Remaining Snacks at Washed HQ
by Will
I sit here from my desk at the Washed Media headquarters and I’m absolutely starving. While I don’t truly think everyone needs to go back to the office, I do think there are a lot of benefits to being in one. Namely, two things: (1) so you can prove yourself worthy of employment by being the ultimate glue guy and (2) so you can reap the benefits of the office snacks.
At the Former Media Company That Shall Not Be Named, I took the entire situation for granted. I didn’t know how lucky I was to be able to go to the fridge to grab a Chobani, and I didn’t know that the barrel of peanut butter-filled pretzels would ever not be bottomless.
Now that we’re in charge? Now that we’re the big dogs? Now that we’re the head honchos? Well, we’re kind of botching it on the snack front. While we have stabilized the ship a bit, we still lack in the consistency that can get us month-to-month in a good situation. Recently, we got an email that’s pretty much a death wish for a small-to-midsize media company: “We’re sorry to cancel your subscription because your items are no longer available.”
We got rug-pulled by our favorite snack box. And we have not selected anything to replace it. And this is what’s left, ranked in order of how likely I am to actually eat it.
Crunchy Kurls
I’ve never had a “Crunchy Kurl” and I will never eat a “Crunchy Kurl” until the day I die. From what I can tell, they’re essentially hot Cheetos? Or just Cheetos without cheese and only the spicy seasoning? I hope to never find out.
Something about me is that I have a quirk where I absolutely hate eating crunchy snacks that are loaded with dust. This even includes Doritos, which I know is an awful take. But once you add spice to that equation, things get even more grim. I’m not going to walk around in public with spicy dust on the corners of my mouth while trying to maintain my status as a responsible adult. If Crunchy Kurls were all I had to eat on a deserted island, I’m using them to lure flies and then I’m just eating the flies.
Nips Caramels
Hey man, these are really great if you want to go to the dentist for some new fillings. I wouldn’t know what getting a filling is like because I’m cavity free since 1987, but these things are so stale and sticky that it legit may just rip a molar out if you’re not careful.
While these may be absolutely delightful directly out of a fresh package, the ones we currently are in possession of have been floating around the office for at least two years. They’re hardened like Randy in a recent Instagram post. They’re sitting, waiting, and wishing you’d bite down on one so you can get veneers.
Fuego Takis
See above. The only reason I’m willing to eat these is because I want to have an excuse to blast “Hot Cheetos & Takis” from my desk while I do so. If I’m doing tortilla strips covered in hot chili pepper and lime, I’m doing it with Dave Ruff at Mattel Rancho’s in Austin, Texas over a shared bowl of never-ending chips and salsa.
Scooby-Doo Graham Crackers
To the surprise of absolutely no one, these legitimately look like straight up dog treats. Randy used them for his Chocolate Chip Cheese Ball at Brett’s “Merriman Spooky Monster Bash” in 2023. While it did taste amazing, people were hesitant to even eat it because they thought we just had dog treats chilling at the buffet.
The problem with this particular crop? Well, they’re stale as all can be. There must be some supply chain issues at Kellogg’s because I’ve legitimately never had a bag of these that aren’t stale. I’ve got an email out to their public relations team but have yet to hear back.
If these aren’t stale? Well, they may be the favorite.
Ritz Crackers
There’s something about eating Ritz Crackers at your desk that screams, “We’re about to be in a recession.” There’s a place in the world for Ritz Crackers and that place is in a five-year-old’s chicken noodle soup. While I could pile some pimento cheese on them and eat like a king, I’m still hesitant to deploy them in normal every day situations. Like, are people really still buying Ritz Crackers? Am I overlooking their best use?
Chuckles
Not even sure what a Chuckle is but y’all know I absolutely freak with the sweets. What’s undetermined about this particular pack is how much the yellow and dark flavors suck or rule. The yellow could be the worst in the pack or it could completely exceed expectations. The dark could be a grape (sign me up) or black licorice (kill me). While I’m not willing to find out just yet, talk to me later this afternoon after I’m underwhelmed by the portions of my lunch tacos.
Funyuns
Man, you know the situation is dire when you’re grabbing a bag of Funyuns.
Hand up, I was a huge Funyuns guy in middle school. Snapped a pack nearly every day in the cafeteria and absolutely housed them in between doing flip tricks with my Tech Deck. That is, until I saw someone else eating them and was revolted by what was on display. I was him, he was me, and we were both filthy middle schoolers with fried onion flavors stuck in our braces.
It’ll be a nostalgia play. But sometimes when that 2 o’clock feeling hits, that’s exactly what you need.
What I’m Cooking, Drinking, And Watching This Weekend
by Dave
What I’m Cooking
Are you going to make me give my golf sicko card back if I tell you that I won’t be prepping a Masters spread this weekend? It’s not my style. I respect those of you who want to create a vibrant atmosphere for Masters viewing with pimento and what not, but I’d much rather devolve into Unhealthy Weekend Dave™. You know the vibes: three-piece spicy, red beans and rice, and fries. Drunken noodles, soup dumplings, and egg rolls. Or hell, just a Jets Four Corners with pepperoni, sausage, and green peppers. When a major rolls around, I treat the weekend like I’m significantly hungover even if I’m not. Hell, I might be. Probably not so much these days, but there’s a chance!
What I’m Drinking
What pairs well with 1100 calories and heartburn? How about a cold beer, hoss? I think it’s about time to formally announce that for the second spring in a row, it’s Red Stripe szn. It checks the big three boxes: taste, bottle, and vibes. When was the last time you saw someone drinking a Stripey Boy and you didn’t think, “I’d love to have one of those fuckers right now?” That first Stripe of the season hits like a Tropical House playlist on hole 8. When you mix that with the greatest weekend in golf, it’s about to be a good weekend.
What I’m Watching
I voted with my wallet and not my heart this time around. I’m not happy that I’ll be pulling for a Collin-Scottie duel down the stretch. Nothing personal against Scottie, but more domination is way down the list on things I want to see. Plus, Morikawa has given me so many micro-icks over the last few years, I don’t even remember why I don’t like him. With being said…
*extreme guy you just met on the bachelor party voice*
Let’s goo.
Other than the obvious, I’m in the market for new shows. I finished 1923, and I can’t even be critical of an insanely over-the-top finale because Taylor Sheridan is always going to Taylor Sheridan. We’ve toyed with the idea of starting The Studio, but our schedules have yet to align. The Last of Us gets going again on Sunday, and even though I’ve never played the game, I know exactly what kind of despair I’ve got headed my way. Bring it on. I’ll cut it with Gemstones, which might be the best comedy of the last decade. Perfect way to end the weekend.
In all honesty, I’m probably tossing on Live From The Masters, muting it, cracking my fourth Stripe, and putting on the NLU recap. Deal with it.
Myth Busters: Are There Birds at Augusta National?
by
Much is made about the pristine, kempt grounds of Augusta National. If someone drops a pimento cheese sandwich wrapper on the ground, a staff member seemingly creeps out of the bushes and picks it up within seconds. You stop by the restroom to drop a mondo, a bathroom attendant cleans your seat for you. That sort of thing. Nothing is out of place and everything is perfectly in order at all times.
Remember the tree that fell down mid-round a couple years back? The next morning there was no evidence the 300-year-old tree was ever there. Legendary stuff.
No bird shit in sight, either. Hmmm, what’s up with that? There is a fairly well-known theory among golf enthusiasts, but if you're unaware, allow me to fill you in.
Birds, and actually all forms of wildlife, are apparently nonexistent at Augusta National Golf Club. “But we can hear them on the broadcast, Dillon. What do you mean?” The second layer to this theory is that there are very discrete speakers placed high in the pine trees throughout the property that pump in fake bird chirps to give patrons the illusion of their presence.
No animals are there, though.
Not a squirrel. Not a deer. Not a chipmunk. Not a cute little bunny rabbit. Not a blue jay or a mourning dove. Not a golden-cheeked warbler or a red-bellied woodpecker. Not a tufted titmouse. Not even a northern mockingbird to be found anywhere on the grounds. Nothing. Nary a squirrel turd anywhere to be found. Yeah, it’s weird.
Fencing surrounding the property would be a decent explanation for keeping out all ground-dwelling critters, but there are still access points because of Rae’s Creek (seen at the top right of the above image) that extends outside the parameters of the course. Squirrels are great climbers anyway. Just ask my dog Stella who is a lifetime zero-for-infinity in catching one as they always climb a tree or fence to evade her.
No fencing is keeping birds out, though, because birds, as most people know, can fly.
Having been to the Masters (not to brag), I was aware of this theory in 2017 when I visited. The bird sounds aren’t as noticeable in person as they are on TV, but you definitely hear them. I did not see any birds on the property, however, and I was looking for them.
So, what’s going on? How do you keep critters and birds out of a very large outdoor area? Are they staying away on their own terms? Luckily, Shane Ryan of Golf Digest dug into this theory in 2022 to get some answers.
From Golf Digest:
Dr. Bran Cromer is an associate professor of Biology at Augusta University, where he teaches a class on ornithology. He was exactly the person I needed, though of course I worried that Augusta National had reached him first to secure his silence. Over Zoom, though, he seemed entirely at ease, friendly and helpful, and though I never asked him directly, it was my impression that he was a man of integrity who had not been compromised. [...]
"Our campus is just a couple of miles away from the course, and we have very similar vegetation," Cromer told me, "and our campus is loaded with birds. [...]
Which birds are indigenous to the area?
"Carolina wrens, northern mockingbirds, there's a lot of pines out there so pine warblers, bluejays, you hear a lot of cardinals on the broadcast, too," he said. "We're just getting a lot of the birds migrating up from the tropics, so you get a few of those, too, blue-gray gnatcatchers and yellow-throated warblers. The towhee would definitely be there; brown threshers, which is the Georgia state bird, they'd be really common in the azaleas."
No blue-gray gnatcatchers! Zero yellow-throated warblers! Where are the towhees and brown threshers?!
Cromer also put a few other theories to rest. I'd heard that a pair of owls might be responsible for scaring off the birds, but Cromer said that even though owls eat birds, this doesn't scare them from an area, and in fact they'd likely fight back. And while Augusta National's location in the middle of the city might keep deep forest birds away, along with deer, it's close enough to Augusta Country Club and other tree-heavy neighborhoods that the backyard birds he listed would be common.
Okay and what about the speakers playing bird sounds?
Is it true? When I reached Paumgarten by email, he remembered hearing the rumor from other journalists, and remembered the security guards, but said it was never clear "if they were trolling me or repeating lore or whispering accepted fact." I don't like to throw the word "hero" around loosely, but Paumgarten dug deeper than anyone else in search of the truth, even going so far as to hang around some "conspicuously tweet-y spots" between the press center and the driving range. At one point, he thought he had discovered an artificial speaker. He thrust his head into a holly bush, and found … an actual bird.
A bird sighting! One bird!
A single bird sighting isn’t enough to quell the conspiracy theorists running with this one. It’s possible it snuck past the otherwise impenetrable force field surrounding Augusta National.
I wanted to bust this myth, but I’m sorry to say the research continues.
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Birds aren’t real