Washed Weekly: Vortex Bottles, Childhood Movies, & The Bobcats
Miller Lite released Vortex Bottles in 2010 and our lives were changed forever.
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10 Movies From My Childhood I Want My Son To Watch
I watched Big Daddy with my nine-year-old son, Parks, over the weekend. It’s PG-13, for those wondering. Did you realize there are 38 cuss words in Big Daddy? 38! That’s a lot. No F-bombs or anything like that, but plenty of low and mid-level profanity strewn about. Throw in some references to Leslie Mann’s fake hooters and that old man’s balls and this movie is definitely for well-adjusted nine-year-olds only, though it's probably best for a slightly older crowd.
Anyway, he loved it.
He’s past the kid movie phase of his development, for the most part anyway. He still gets down to the Minions movies and most anything released by Pixar, but his taste in movies has matured enough that I can show him some of the ones I grew up watching. The ones that left impressions on me. For that, I am thankful and excited. I’m talking about some real classics from the ‘80s, ‘90s, and 2000s.
His mom has already done a great job showing him some of the hits she grew up watching. I’m going to leave those out since he’s already seen them. The Sandlot is one of them, for example. Same with Rookie of the Year and several Chris Farley jawns.
His interests have moved on from dinosaurs and Pokémon. He’s into sports now, which opens up an onslaught of great flicks from my childhood, so sports will be a heavy player in this list.
Little Giants
A small town is torn apart at the seams as two brothers coach against each other on the gridiron for all the glory. We’re talking Spike, Ice Box, a Bruce Smith cameo, and that little twerp with the snot bubbles. What a movie.
The Goonies
This wasn’t my favorite movie growing up, but it certainly left an impression on me and I know it’s widely beloved. Kids go on a treasure hunt and some wild shit pops off. He’ll dig it.
Ace Ventura: Pet Detective
He’s a detective that specializes in pet cases. A Dan Marino cameo, laces out, and a stolen dolphin – it has everything.
Little Big League
Imagine inheriting a professional baseball team as a kid. Parks is into baseball now (new season starts next week), so he’ll appreciate this one, especially now that he’s been to a big league ball game.
The NeverEnding Story
That big ass flying dog kind of creeped me out if I’m being one hundred with y’all. Still a classic children’s movie, though.
Water Boy
He spit in the c-c-c-cooluh. Parks is slow to develop his love for football, but I’ll get him there. The Water Boy will help me.
Short Circuit
The story of an endearing robot who sets out to learn about the human world. Cute little fucker, too.
Happy Gilmore
An all-time top tier comedy. Nothing else needs to be said.
Beetlejuice
Parks spooks easily but this one is rated PG. I remember it creeping me out as a kid, but I have to try and instill my love for scary movies in the little man at some point. I think he’s ready.
Major League
Alright so this one is rated R. Even though it’s the one I’ve seen more than any of the others listed here, I can’t recall many inappropriate moments other than the locker room cutout of the partially nude owner of the team. There is some colorful language but nothing he doesn’t hear at recess. I might wait a couple years on this one, but people call his dad Dorn. He has to know why.
Bourbon & Beyond - The World’s Largest Music, Food, & Bourbon Festival
The Bourbon & Beyond Festival will take place in Louisville, Kentucky on September 19-22. We’re talking headliners Zach Bryan, DMB, Tyler Childers, and Sting, plus Whiskey Myers, Mt. Joy, The Red Clay Strays, The Beach Boys, Black Pumas, and Maren Morris. Come on.
Mix in the great food and the array of bourbons to try, and this festival is a can’t-miss great time. Check out the lineup:
You Aren’t Even Old Enough To Remember Vortex Bottles
by Will deFries
We all have hills we’re willing to die on. Some of you hate when people stand up after the plane lands. Others can’t fathom clapping when a film ends whether they’re at Cannes or not. But for me, it obviously has to do with the crown jewel of beers: Miller Lite Vortex Bottles.
On February 5th of this year, I began tweeting Miller Lite to bring them back. I did this for about two weeks before realizing that Miller Lite doesn’t have anyone running their Twitter account. To say I felt defeated would be an understatement. And when I started getting called out by followers for giving up too easily, well, I knew we actually had a potential movement on our hands.
I knew I couldn’t be the only one craving beer shooting down my throat through a tornado-like funnel. If anything, I think most people would prefer to have beer spray down their throat rather than trickle down like a limp waterfall. Because I’m a hyper-motivated individual, however, I still found myself incapable of avoiding Vortex tweets. It’s in my blood, it’s who I am.
Fast forward to last weekend. While trying to enjoy myself in Lake Como, I opened my phone to a barrage of text messages regarding a tweet that should shape the rest of my trip.
After going through this college kid’s burner account for all of five minutes, I had seen enough homophobic slurs to realize that he wasn’t one of Us. He wasn’t a Real Vortexer. He was simply trying to use the interior funnel for clout. Not even going to confront the bracelet.
And it worked.
When I went on Instagram, I saw several message requests from listeners and followers alike. The second I saw that I was unable to view the post, I knew who it was from: Old Row. If you’re not familiar with Old Row, congratulations. Move on from this column and go take a breath of fresh air knowing that you’ll never have to think about them again. If you are familiar with them, keep reading.
Old Row blocked me when I worked for Grandex because they had an inferiority complex with Grandex property, Total Frat Move. It’s not a good look for anyone to be bickering about frat life when everyone is 25 years old or more, and it’s an even worse look to block people who don’t follow you. And now they’re going to sit there posting screenshots of tweets from college kids about Vortex Bottles? Please.
Miller Lite released Vortex Bottles in 2010 and our lives were changed forever. At the time, I was at the ripe age of 23 which meant any and all Vortex Bottles were my prey. I needed them. My friends needed them. Regular longnecks simply weren’t enough.
Now that it’s 2024, any college kid who alleges they even know what Vortex Bottles are is a bold-faced liar. Sure, they could’ve seen their father drinking Vortex Bottles while they watched DuckTales, but they weren’t Real Vortexers. These kids are frauds, and to try to act like they’re doing something nostalgic is honestly just insulting to all of us who were in the trenches. It’s the drinking equivalent of wearing a military backpack in the airport when you’ve never served. Despicable behavior.
Ever since the above tweet, however, Vortex Bottle content has skyrocketed. I’m being forwarded any and all posts about it which both pleases me and frustrates me. I’ll never shame someone for drinking a triple hops brewed light beer that has great taste (but is less filling), but I will shame you if you try to act like this isn’t your first one.
Luckily for me, I have it all. I have a Vortex Bottle sitting in our work fridge. I have a Vortex Bottle sign hanging on the door next to our work bathroom. I bought the only Vortex Bottle bucket on eBay so I can enjoy some with my absolute boys. I’ve made my bed and I am sleeping in it with pleasure.
If you’re under the age of 32 and trying to appropriate our culture, just know that I am coming for you harder than Davis Clarke. Bet.
New in the Shop: Washed Mascot Crew + Out of Office Hat Restock
New Washed Mascot crewnecks in the shop just in time for chilly tailgate season? Don’t mind if we do. We’ve also re-stocked the “Out of Office” hats in green, as well as added a new blue color. See you out there for some bloodies out of solo cups.
Inner-Monologue of a Guy Who Might Go Watch His Alma Mater This Weekend
by Dave
I’ve been presented with an opportunity that every 40-year-old guy dreams of: driving 30 minutes to see his school play a meaningful college football game in pretty decent weather. High of 89 and low humidity? Your sober buddy driving? Brother, what more can you ask for? It looks great on paper, but I’ve been around the block enough times to know that peril lurks around every corner in that sleepy little college town. Let me talk through it.
It’s been like five years since you’ve gone to a game. You’ve been offered free tickets to the game, dude. You need to go.
While true, it’s been five years since I’ve been to a game for a reason. The last time I stepped foot in that town on a game day, I passed out standing up in a restaurant. And that was before I had kids. What do you think it will look like now, big dog? You’re gonna get your ass memed if you’re not careful.
This is the most highly anticipated game in the most highly anticipated season in school history.
Now you’re talking. It’s the perfect time to grab two or three Stripes, order some hot chicken, and yell at some college kids for making me a sad boy.
Oh yeah, I’m sure the 9-month-old and toddler will really facilitate a killer game-watching experience.
You’ve made some points here.
3 p.m. kickoff is perfect. You don’t have to get up and head down there early, and you can probably be home before the kids go to bed.
Yeah, I really need to be in San Marcos, Texas right in the middle of my day. I guess I’ll hit a late-morning tailgate too. Oh, and after we take down the Road Runners, I’m sure the group I’m with is just going to be cool with calling it and heading back into Austin. I bet no one suggests that we hit Chimy’s on the square for some ‘dillas and one or two more drinks. Hey, maybe I’ll sign up for a hot yoga class Saturday night. You’re delusional.
You can go hang out at the Alumni tailgate and catch up with some old classmates. Maybe shake a few hands while you’re there!
I’ve been an alum for nearly two decades. You know how many times I’ve been by the “Alumni Tailgate”? Zero. I think you have to have a wristband signifying that you’ve donated monies to the school. I typically don’t speak about my finances publicly, but I’ll break that rule to let you know it’s been a decade since I’ve sent money their way. I have a family.
Yeah, tailgating remains one of my fondest memories from college, but I don’t know if I have the juice for that anymore. We don’t have one lined up. Are we supposed to show up at the old frat tailgate? They were kicked off campus years ago and the house was bulldozed. I guess they’re back now. Oh, what- they’ll have sausages in tortillas? Actually, that sounds pretty good. Fuck.
Don’t overthink it. You’re just going to a football game.
Man, I don’t even think I have an acceptable game day polo in my closet. Would that even be the move? I can’t wear an Antigua that I purchased from Academy in 2009. I’m not trying to impress anyone, but I’m also not trying to go through rush again. I’d just end up skipping it to go dove hunting.
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