Washed Weekly: Sunday Edition
Washed Weekly? On a Sunday?
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I’m on a No-Vomit Streak of 15+ Years
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On season 5, episode 9 of Seinfeld, Jerry reveals that the last time he vomited was on June 29, 1980. The episode aired in 1993. He had a no-vomit streak of 13 years. His streak would later end after a black and white cookie takes him out. “Fourteen years down the drain,” he says as he turns toward the restroom.
Fourteen years without vomiting. That’s impressive, but not as impressive as my streak.
I don’t actually remember the last time I threw up, but per my best estimation, it’s been at least 15 years. That’s on the low end. I was 26 years old 15 years ago. What is a stomach bug? Food poisoning? I’m honestly not sure. Nor am I sure where I was at the time.
I know it wasn’t from drinking, though. The last time I threw up from drinking was my senior year of high school, and it happened the next morning. The morning after a house party where we probably floated a couple kegs (reminder that I would later join a frat) of the worst beer you can buy, Keystone Light, I vividly remember driving to McDonald’s where I purchased two Sausage McMuffins with Egg. That’s the GOAT breakfast sandwich, by the way.
I downed them both in the car before I got back to my parents’ house. It wasn’t long after that and I was on my knees in front of the toilet.
I was blessed with a natural kill switch regarding alcohol. My body knows when it’s time to shut it down. If I’m nearing the point of no return, I will get really tired and find a place to fall asleep. Or, I’ll just flat out reject the taste of alcohol and I’ll stop drinking. I was 17 or 18 when that happened, so it was over 20 years ago when alcohol consumption made me vom.
I also know that the last time I vomited wasn’t from motion sickness, as that has never caused me to vomit. I’ve been on a sailboat during a pretty nasty squall in the middle of the ocean and my stomach was as cool as ice. I’m talking eight to ten-foot swells, one after another for an hour or more. Nothing. No car sickness. No rollercoaster queasiness. Nothing.
I also have zero food allergies, am very lactose tolerant, and generally eat anything and everything I want, all with zero issues.
This claim to fame is highlighted by everyone I work with.
I’m not sure how it started, but Dave ran with a joke that my gut biome is the worst in the office. I would sit there and laugh along, knowing that it was far from the truth. My gut biome is not only the most superior in the office, but the best of anyone I know.
For the sake of anonymity, I won’t use their names below.
One of my coworkers eats at a certain burrito establishment down the street three days a week with the full understanding that it’s going to absolutely WRECK his stomach. Sure enough, a couple trips to the restroom soon await him each time he eats there. He refuses to learn from this.
Another complains of tum tum issues on a weekly basis. It seems that a spice level anywhere north of “this has a little kick to it” means he isn’t going to stray too far from a restroom the day after.
Another of my coworkers famously said on Circling Back that he has diarrhea “all the time.” Gross, dude.
As I type this, a different coworker is home sick with a stomach bug.
I do get sick occasionally. I get a fever, headaches, etc., and I do rarely get a little queasy, too. A 6mg Zyn did a number on me recently, actually. It brought me to about 20% of the way to a vomit. I simply took it out and was fine after half an hour. Added sponsor value: Lucy is a better product and doesn’t do this to me.
Years ago, I wrote a column about a superpower that I had. I used to be immune to hangovers and it was awesome, so of course I rubbed it in everyone’s face. Now, in my 40s, I will get a hangover if I really get banged up. They’re mild, though. A couple Advil and some water usually brings me back to life.
I now share with all of you that my iron gut is my other superpower. Fifteen, maybe even sixteen, seventeen, or twenty years without vomiting. It’s been a hell of a ride. When will it end? Will it end?
Big Dogs, Tiktok Bans, & The Far Future
A familiar face stopped by the studio to co-produce.
Running down our Weekends in Fun
Zuck in Demon Mode at the Inauguration
We finally have video of Dillon’s robot dog that he should’ve kicked
“Big Dog” energy
The ebb and flow of the TikTok ban (and Will’s beef with a TikTok’r who hates Scaries)
News about the Sun.
Will’s Sunday Roundup
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Editor’s Note: Now that the Lions are out of the playoffs, football doesn’t exist to me. If you’re in the same boat, here’s how you should spend your Sunday.
A Washed Weekly newsletter on a Sunday? Has the world gone mad? No, don’t worry, everything’s fine. Between a virus that took down 20% of the office and a work trip I had planned, we had our first major miss of Q1 that we’re attempting to remedy today.
Because I have the rare opportunity to write a Sunday column for Washed, I am throwing it back about 12 years to one of the first formats I did for
where I recommended things to distract you from your Sunday demons.What To Watch: My Old Ass on Amazon Prime
With no wifi on our flight home from Vegas yesterday, I decided to watch a movie that I had downloaded a couple months ago: My Old Ass starring Maisy Stella and Aubrey Plaza.
Nevermind the idyllic Canadian wilderness setting. Nevermind that Aubrey Plaza is only in two total scenes. Nevermind that it’s unexpectedly short. This movie slaps for reasons I can’t describe for fear of spoilers.
It left me with tears in my eyes for the last 30 minutes while I tried to avoid eye contact with our flight attendant. The only thing that got me to not break down in tears was remembering that we met Johnny Bananas the night before.
What To Listen To: Lonely Sounding British Dudes
I made this playlist in 2014 in the middle of February if that tells you anything about the mindset I was in. While it’s not the sexiest playlist because it wasn’t carefully curated song by song vs. by artist alone, no one’s stopping you from pressing “Shuffle” and mashing that emotions button. I still do that on drizzly drives to work often.
What To Read: The ALD Aesthetic
via Mensweird
Early this week on Circling Back, I noted to Dillon that I’m trying hard to lean into my Dad Fashion Aesthetic. It’s a simple premise for me: wear the same pants nearly every single day, wear the same sneakers nearly every single day, and mix/match some nondescript sweaters so people don’t accuse me of “always wearing the same thing every single day.”
Dillon’s response was, “You have a closet full of Aime Leon Dore,” which he shockingly pronounced correctly. Maybe he’s been listening to
more than he lets on. While I do have one (1) hoodie that I’ve been wearing from them this winter, most of the stuff I have from the extremely popular brand now sits exactly where Dillon said: the closet.Maybe this read can help explain why. Here’s an excerpt:
The ALD aesthetic had become so widely ingrained, and so easily replicated, in menswear that even consumers were styling themselves and their lives to reflect it. It had in essence become, as the Deez Links post original wrote, “a starter pack.” “This marketing playbook, popularised by brands like Aimé Leon Dore and followed by many others, has led to a lack of creativity and experimentation,” declared Business of Fashion this fall. The title of the piece was, tellingly, “Why Does Menswear All Look the Same?” In it, BoF reporter Malique Morris is quoted as saying, “Everything is good and nothing is great. So if everyone can dress well, then no one is actually cool.”
You can read it in full here.
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Dillon bragging about never vomiting, but has openly said real dip would fold him. I say we put that iron gut to the test on a Fat Log Friday.