Washed Weekly: Smokers, Acorns, & Confessions
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Welcome to Washed Weekly — a weekly newsletter that will feature original columns, quick reads, exclusive product drops, and an offering of some of the best content we’ve created throughout the week that was. Read it, enjoy it, and pass it on to anyone you think will enjoy it, too. You can also check out the Washed network of podcasts.
My Completely Uninformed Answers to NYT’s ‘Top Health Questions of 2023’
by
I’ve been saving confessions for Sunday Confessions, but it’s time I bring a confession to the TL here: I haven’t been to a doctor’s office since before the worldwide global pandemic.
I mean, here’s the thing, I feel generally okay. I don’t feel great, I don’t feel awful — I just feel “generally okay,” like I said. Sure, there’s that nagging back pain that flares up like twice a week. Yeah, I should probably find a new physician now that mine has retired. And perhaps you’re right, I shouldn’t just declare myself “healthy” because I’m near my desired weight. I know things can go wrong under the hood but until I see a ‘check engine’ light, I’m probably going to keep smooth sailing.
All that being said, I’m not a doctor and I don’t regularly exercise. I lie about how many drinks I have a week and I pulled my back two weeks ago reaching for something in the tote bag next to me in my car. Please do not take my advice unless you don’t really care about your own wellbeing.
You can find answers from actual experts here, but can you even trust them? Here are my thoughts.
1. Is it bad to wash your hair every day?
When I was a single man in 2014, I had a process before first dates that began three days before the date would occur — wash my hair, wait two days, style it with my pomade, and go on the date with a head of hair full of sheen. I don’t think I’m alone in thinking that your hair looks its best after aging for a couple days, but stop wasting your bougie shampoo that you got pressured into buying by Hailey Bieber.
The Verdict: Wash every three days if you really need to. Once a week is probably fine, honestly.
2. Is arthritis avoidable?
Remember in middle school typing class when they’d hammer us with information about carpal tunnel syndrome? Have you heard about it since? Exactly.
If I’m being honest, arthritis has a similar vibe yet I still know people who struggle with it. So is it avoidable? Yes. But given how much we’re all tossing our phones on our pinkies and scrolling until we’re no better than those iPad kids? Nah.
The Verdict: We’re all screwed until we follow the lyrics to John Prine’s “Spanish Pipedream” which you can find here.
3. I drink alcohol. What can I do about the damage?
I’m a 37-year-old married man with two kids and zero tolerance for hangovers anymore. While I assume the question pertains to the long-term effects of drinking alcohol, I don’t have the mental capacity right now to take that sort of workload on right now.
Here’s my current hangover cure: Too many Advil, two breakfast tacos with the spiciest salsa they offer, watch Manchester United crush my soul yet again, Yeti full of water, Yeti full of water, Yeti full of water, one (1) Earlybird before bed, existential crisis before going to sleep.
The Verdict: Reverse your aging like Circling Back favorite, Bryan Johnson.
4. Can a nap make up for a bad night of sleep?
My most hardo take? Naps are a sign of weakness.
I haven’t intentionally napped in maybe 15 years. If I nap, it’s because of one of the following reasons: (1) The PGA leaderboard just absolutely stinks and I drift off until I hear the winner getting interviewed (2) One of my kids falls asleep on me on the couch so I give in, and (3) I’m so shattered from a group dinner that I inadvertently pass out while attempting to watch some mid-morning footy.
The Verdict: No, keep that blood flowing. Stay fresh. Go to bed early. It’s okay.
5. Why am I so congested all the time?
Because much like me, you’re devastatingly allergic to hops yet you refuse to stop drinking IPAs because they just taste so delightful during these colder months. You can take my Two Hearted, but you can’t take my freedom.
The Verdict: From gluten to hops to peanuts, we’re all allergic to something we’re suppressing.
6. What should I eat or drink when I have a cold?
Wait, are there seriously people out there who don’t just hammer their bodies with Theraflu, Pedialyte, Mrs. Grass soup, and re-runs of Love Island? Must be nice.
The Verdict: DoorDash some ramen from that bougie place down the street if you really need, but let’s not overthink it here.
7. Why does it become harder to sleep as I age?
Hmmmmm, let’s think about this one. Could it be because of the mounting pressure of acclimating to a society crafted by an older generation, one that’s not sustainable in the current state of the world? Could it be that none of us can buy homes without feeling house-poor and giving up group dinners? Could it be the recent global pandemic or the constant threat of nuclear war?
Nah, couldn’t be those reasons.
The Verdict: Just go press play on a Cranberries song to forget this was ever asked.
8. Why do I get constipated when I travel?
Because you didn’t eat the short rib on an international flight to London. If you have no idea what I’m talking about, please go enjoy this past Wednesday’s episode of Circling Back:
The Verdict: Not pooping on vacation is a gift, especially when you see the bathrooms at London pubs for the first time.
9. Do I really need all those skin care products?
I’ve spent more money trying to rid myself of the bags under my eyes that I can’t stand the idea of spending more. Sure, they help temporarily but by the time I arrive at the function, I pretty much have two down pillows supporting my eyelashes.
The Verdict: Just shove your face in a bowl of ice water. It’s cheaper.
10. How much coffee is too much coffee?
Some people may quantify this in milligrams of caffeine. Not me because I’m cut from a different cloth. When it comes to caffeine, it’s most just based on vibes which is why I follow this timeline of coffees every morning:
One coffee immediately upon waking up at home > One refill of that coffee for my commute to the office > Finish the second coffee while checking my email > Make one more coffee out of boredom at the office.
That’s the timeline. Anything else is completely and utterly unecessary.
The Verdict: Vibe out, no one’s tracking you.
Dillon’s Attention-Grabbing Headlines of the Week
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Elon Musk Only Taking Phone Calls via Twitter Now
Big news from the boss over at Twitter (I will never call it “X” as long I have air in my lungs, so quit asking): Elon Musk has announced that he will discontinue his phone number and will exclusively take phone calls via the Twitter app moving forward.
Nerd alert!
Oh wow, dude, look how ~edgy~ you are. You’re so different and cool, bro.
I’m not a personal friend of Elon’s, but if I were, I’d stop reaching out altogether. This is too much for me. I have other friends I can talk to, the ones with phone numbers. I’m simply not going to be hassled to the point of opening a social media app to make a phone call. Does this mean no texting, as well? I guess it does. Is he expecting people to DM him now? F that.
I’m a millennial and this is still way too online for me. Imagine trying to get your Boomer parents on board with this.
“Hey, Dad, uh my phone number doesn’t work anymore. If you want to reach me, you’re going to have to create an account on Twitter, then, once you open the app, you’re only five taps away from being able to message me. And if you want to call me, I can’t help you. I have no idea how it works because I’ve always used a cell phone to call people. You know that thing that’s been really easy to use and has been working perfectly for decades now? That’s out. This new shit is in. Is it more difficult? Oh yeah. Why are we using it? I’m not sure.”
The “Hot Ones” Guy Was Dating Who???
Hand up, I’ve only seen two episodes of “Hot Ones,” the ones with Theo Vonn and Sydney Sweeney (obviously), or “Sweens,” as I call her. It’s a good show. A fun concept that usually makes for a funny, casual interview. The clips, memes, and gifs that come from this show and hit the TL are fun, too. You could call me a casual fan.
The host, Sean Evans, does fine work. He creates an environment where his guests can lower their guards, be themselves, and hit on fun, light-hearted topics. But also, he seems kind of dorky? I say that endearingly as I like dorks. It’s part of his charm and why he can get these high-profile celebs to open up to him. His demeanor is disarming. He’s a square, but a cool one.
So color me absolutely shocked that he was dating porn star Melissa Stratton? Like what the hell? Just out of nowhere, everyone’s favorite, lovable YouTube dork was hitting the pillow next to a real life porn star each night? I did NOT see that coming. I feel like it just takes a certain brand of person to get into a monogamous relationship with someone who has sex on camera with lots of people for a living. Not that there’s anything wrong with that.
Sadly, they broke up. On Valentine’s Day, too. Ouch. Plenty of fish out there, Sean.
“Acorn Cop” Unloads Clip
This video is wild. WILD. It involves an officer-involved shooting, but don’t worry because it’s not graphic. No one gets shot. Someone gets shot at, but no one catches a bullet, thankfully. A police cruiser, on the other hand, gets absolutely lit up.
According to the officer, as he was walking past his patrol car, wherein a man was handcuffed in the backseat, he mistook the sound of an acorn falling onto the hood as a gunshot. He then hits the deck, pulls out his pistol, and unloads a full clip into the car.
Another officer approaches and he tells her to do the same, so she starts firing, as well.
Hey, man, maybe calm down. I admit an acorn falling onto a car hood can make a loud thud, but I don’t understand how anyone could mistake that for a gunshot. He imagined getting hit by a bullet himself, probably from the adrenaline rush.
The officer resigned, mostly likely from sheer embarrassment.
New Smoker, New Me
by Dave
I’ve been receiving a lot of questions privately regarding my meat smoking, or lack thereof. It’s a bit of a sensitive subject since smoking these meats has, up until last year, been a major part of my life. Some might say it’s been a major part of my personality. In the interest of transparency, here’s what changed:
My pellet grill stopped working. It was out of warranty.
It’s that simple. I won’t get into specifics, but they wanted me to order a replacement part for a price that I deemed unreasonable. In a remarkable act of protest, I told them “No thank you!” and proceeded to not smoke these meats for over a year. It put a strain on my family and friends, but we persevered. No smoker? Good. Rather than sulk, I seized the opportunity to get better on the stove and more consistent in the oven. You should try my meatballs.
Thanks to a Christmas miracle (my parents), I am now the proud owner of a new, larger pellet grill. Lord, forgive me, but it’s time to go back to the old me.
I’ve got nothing on the docket this weekend, and daddy’s looking to fire up the big dog to see if it can hunt. What to do, what to do. Ribs are my bread and butter. They’re fairly difficult to ruin, so that’s the way I’m trending. It also happens to be the wife’s favorite, although she did casually mention prime rib(?!) which is a much more significant time and financial commitment. What a power move by her.
A good thick pork shoulder should also be in the conversation. Versatile and very easily shared, pulled pork is a fan favorite that must be respected. Plus, I very publicly owe my coworkers the gift of smoked meat after neglecting to give them the gift of gumbo back in 2018. Man, they missed out. My roux went crazy.
As enticing as a juicy pork shoulder may be, I think a nice fat rack of pork ribs is a great way to knock the rust off. I want bones falling out like I’m Marilyn Manson in the nineties. Competition be damned. The hopper is loaded, and my Bluetooth speaker is charged. The pantry is still flush with Meat Church rub, I’m rocking with the Dia de la Fajita, and my fermented garlic honey concoction is finally ready for action. It’s the juxtaposition, for me. Damn, it feels good to be having these thoughts again. We’re so back.
Keep an eye on my Instagram this weekend. I know I’ve talked a big game in the past and failed to deliver, but I feel reborn.
Bad Boys
Not sure if you guys heard, but Washed Media had three (3) YouTube accounts get suspended this week. Bad boy shit.
No better time to cop the shirt.
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