Washed Weekly: Saving 'Landman,' Chipotle Strategy, & Dillon the Influencer
"Bang, bang"
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Washed Investigation: We A/B Tested Chipotle
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No one will ever look at a Chipotle bowl and think, “Wow, that’s the pinnacle of fine dining.” But on Monday around 11:45 a.m. after an exhausting weekend, it starts to sound pretty damn good.
Around here at Washed Media HQ, there are two likely suspects to find themselves wolfing down a white rice bowl Monday after Monday: Brett Merriman and Will deFries (me). While I don’t know his reasons, mine are fairly straightforward: (a) My favorite Mexican food truck is closed on Mondays and (b) it’s the easiest meal with the shortest drive.
Over the last year or so, Brett and I have begun comparing bowls when we sit down at our desks. Yes, we both eat at our desks more than not which is somewhat of a depressing realization, but that’s neither here nor there. While his complaints have been completely valid, they usually revolve around his bowls feeling a bit light. I’ve confirmed with my own eyes — Brett is fully in the right here.
“How’s yours today?” he’d ask me.
“I mean, pretty normal?” I’d respond. “It does look better than yours.”
We did this song and dance enough that it became a ~thing~ in my mind that I couldn’t shake. Was it his ordering time, usually closer to noon than 1 o’clock? Was it his order specifically? Is the entire line of workers at Chipotle a group of Stoolies who resent him for leaving? What could be affecting the regular size difference? I needed an answer.
And on Monday of this week, I tested my newest theory.
“You getting Chipotle?” I asked.
“Yeah, ordering it now,” he told me, “want me to snag you a bowl?”
Unfortunately for Brett, I had other plans to attend to.
“Nah, I can pick yours up when I go get mine if you want,” I told him.
“Bang, bang,” he said, “works for me.”
Side Note: “Bang Bang” is a new thing Brett’s been testing out lately and I think I love it. He always responds with it when I send him some deliverables I owe him so it’s become incredibly satisfying to hear.
When I arrived down the street at our local ‘Le, I did what I always do: White rice bowl with pinto beans, chicken, fajita vegetables, pico, corn, guacamole, and cheese. While it’s not a power order by any means, I think it toes the line of being hearty without going over-the-top.
I paid, I picked up Brett’s bowl, and I headed back to the office to finally have answers. What I found was the least shocking news on planet earth.
Sure enough, Brett’s bowl was on the lighter side of most Chipotle bowls. You wouldn’t send it back and demand more, but you maybe wish you held your phone out and pretended to record them while making it (as per viral/terrible trend last year). But because he ordered online, he didn’t have the opportunity to do so.
My bowl, on the other side, overfloweth with food. Dense, well-proportioned, a borderline work of art by Chipotle standards. The proof was in the pudding.
Conclusions made from our research yielded the following: If you want to get the best Chipotle bowl you can get, it’s pertinent to go into the restaurant and have it made in front of you. Ordering online will yield lesser results because they don’t have to look you in the eye when they take some cheese out after putting too much in.
Don’t be afraid to hop in line. We could all use a little more human interaction these days. Or, at least, I could.
Someone Please Save “Landman”
This isn’t goodbye, but it’s close. I’m two episodes away from pulling the plug on Landman, Taylor Sheridan’s hit(?) show that is everything I thought it would. Yeah, I have no one to blame but myself. Here we go.
With Yellowstone wrapping up, and Lioness proving to be a legitimately good show, I knew my man would be back on his bullshit. There was just no way Sheridan could end what described as his “punk rock” show and not create a new outlet for shockingly absurd plot turns and the least subtle political agenda since The Boys. But again, I knew this going in.
First, the good: Billy Bob Thornton. Ali Larter. Jon Hamm. There’s no one better suited to play a West Texas oil and gas lifer who’s been around for the booms and busts than Billy Bob. Everything about him screams “I’m about to get absolutely smoked” or “I just got absolutely smoked” on a deal. It’s in his blood. Life is constantly throwing big piles of shit at him, both personally and professionally, but he’s the definition of gritty.
Ali Larter is just a good actress. I wasn’t familiar with her game. Admittedly, it’s the first thing I remember seeing her in since Final Destination, so my bar was low, but she’s doing a great job portraying a fun character. I still need to watch episode 9, and I reserve the right to amend this take if the nursing home storyline goes way off the rails. I can’t imagine being hungover at 85. Yikes.
And to Jon. Jon Hamm. He just had a heart attack, which was apparently his fifth. I know his screen time is limited, but it’s Jon Hamm. It’s oddly comforting when he’s on screen. By now, I’m aware they’ve found a way to shoehorn Jerry Jones into a scene with him, but I have yet to start that episode. No matter what, I will remain objective and not let the stench of Jerry’s managerial shortcomings affect how I view Jon Hamm.
With that out of the way, I will now complain. Demi Moore has about 90 seconds of screen time throughout the entire season. That’s simply a problem. She won a Golden Globe, dammit. Accumulating big talent but administering them in limited doses is nothing new for Sheridan. Morgan Freeman is somewhat limited in Lioness, but he’s great when they let him be. Please let Demi Cook.
Now onto the Billy Bob’s on-screen daughter, ol’ Ainsley Norris. We all know she’s a 27-year-old portraying a high school student. Fine. And yes, she’s a rocket. Of course she is. The dialogue with her father has been diagnosed as shockingly horny by everyone. I let that slide! But when they introduced love interest number two for her and it was somehow an actor who looks and literally is three years older than her, I put my dusty old boot down. This handsome fucker is 30. An adult man with adult man problems playing a high school jock. That dude probably has a mortgage. Stop it.
So this would be the spot where I point out the inaccurate portrayals of the oil and gas industries. Specifically, what a landman does, or does not, do. I’m not here to do that. Don’t care. It doesn’t bother me that BBT isn’t down at the courthouse running title. My guy, T Sher, did us a solid there. Do I know anyone who’s had a run-in with the cartel out round Midland way? No, but honestly, I wouldn’t tell you if I did. So just go on about your business, hoss.
How about the music? It makes no sense. You’ll get a scene featuring a crew of drug runners getting carpet bombed into oblivion that cuts to the theme song that sounds like an AI Friday Night Lights score. It doesn’t make sense. If they were going to rip off a show, it should’ve been Breaking Bad. Tough scene! Ha.
What’s really tanking this show for me is Cooper Norris and Ariana. That storyline is the ultimate punchout for me. I’m picking up my phone and checking out the “For You” tab to see what completely debunkable theories from bot accounts are out there when they hit my screen. It’s boring and weird. I can’t watch another scene of Cooper writhing in pain because he got stomped out and chose to rehab at the shockingly recent widow’s house. At least he won the dog over.
As I mentioned, I will be finishing the season because I believe in finishing what you start. But I think this is it. It’ll take the ghost of T Boone Pickens orchestrating a hostile takeover of M Tex Oil to get me on board for season 2. Give me a poison pill. Don’t be shocked if that happens.
Amsterdam & Madrid: Behind the Scenes
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Small-to-midsize influencer Dillon here to put the final bow on my trip to Amsterdam and Madrid, thanks to the fine people at Heineken.
I did my best to record some footage from my experiences in each city to give you a behind-the-scenes look at what it’s like for an influencer* to go on an all-expenses-paid trip across the pond and be treated better than I deserve.
*I do not actually consider myself to be an influencer.
I now present to you, Dillon Does Europe:
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I’d like to think the Euro Trip is what helped springboard 2025 Dillon to be at the peak of his game to start the year.