Washed Weekly: Rattling Cages

Annoying co-workers, raising a sports enthusiast, and horror flicks.

Sep 22, 2023

Welcome to Washed Weekly — a weekly newsletter that will feature original columns, quick reads, exclusive product drops, and an offering of some of the best content we’ve created throughout the week that was. Read it, enjoy it, and pass it on to anyone you think will enjoy it, too. You can also check out the Washed network of podcasts.

Small Things I Do To Piss Off My Coworkers

by Will

I really don’t have much of a desire to work from home these days. Not only do I enjoy the dynamic of being in an office, but I like the setup I have at my desk. It makes creating a work/life balance that much more defined, and it helps me set definitive boundaries for myself.

But more than anything, it allows me to fuck with my coworkers.

We don’t really have an HR department here which is why I’m okay with airing out our dirty laundry. What’s Dillon going to do, drag me in the conference room to yell at me for everything you’re about to read? Please.

Here’s everything I do that (probably) pisses off each of my in-office coworkers — whether I’m trying to piss them off or not.

Dave: Pretend to not wash my hands in the bathroom.

Credit to Dave: He was anti-germ far before the invisible enemy entered our lives.

For a long time, I never had to worry about washing my hands in public bathrooms because I was incapable of peeing in public. Yes, I’m working on it in therapy. And yes, I’m capable of peeing in our office now (no biggie). But because our office bathroom is so central to everything, you know when someone doesn’t wash their hands. And you will get called out for it.

To rattle Dave’s cage (he’s literally never reacted to me doing this before), sometimes I exit the bathroom without washing my hands only to wash them in our kitchen sink that’s closer to the bullpen. It’s that five seconds of terror Dave feels (definitely doesn’t feel) when he thinks I’m just raw-dogging my keyboard with bathroom hands.

Dillon: Loudly chew candy at my desk.

There are three things in life that Dillon Cheverere hates, and I can control two of them: The Oklahoma Sooners, people loudly chewing food, and sugar (the silent killer). Because I have no control over the NIL deals handed out to OU players, I simply have to hone in on the latter two.

My way of doing so? I sit at my desk absolutely chomping on Sour Patch Kids and Now & Laters. I don’t even know the nutrition facts behind said candies, but I also don’t care because I’m chewing so aggressively that I know I’m burning all the cals off immediately.

Dillon lets his misophonia (the hatred of the sound of people chewing) ruin his day, but it only brightens mine. Especially when I’m jacked up on Nerd Gummy Clusters with my noise-cancelling headphones in.

Randy: Forget to put a ‘headphone’ emoji in our Patreon descriptions.

I’m not sure why but a few months ago I made a change to the process we have for uploading episodes of Circling Back to Patreon. Because we normally upload the audio version and the video version of any given episode, I thought it would be good to differentiate these with something. For audio episodes, we naturally went with the headphone (🎧) emoji.

Here’s what I’m talking about:

Because Randy is a good employee (maybe too good sometimes), he gets mega-horned-up for any process change. And if you don’t follow the change that you attempted to enact, well, you have to answer to Randy. I forget it probably twice a month and I can feel his blood boil. I can feel every single piece of his cordial Midwesterner DNA seizing up.

“Just keeping you on your toes,” I say as he Googles “headphone emoji” for the hundredth time. Oops.

Brett: Play Goose shows right behind him on the office TV.

We went through a rough patch here at Washed Media last winter. No, it wasn’t because advertisers were spooked by the economy. It was mainly because Brett got really into playing looped animation “cozy coffee house lo-fi” videos in the office. While they’re innocent on the surface, one can only endure so many hushed jazz beats with AI-generated backgrounds before they snap. Here’s an example of one:

To combat this, I decided to take matters into my own hands and just start tossing shit on in the morning. Because YouTube kept serving us commercial-free Goose concerts (because no way we’re coughing up for YouTube Premium here), I had no choice but to buy a one-way ticket to Arcadia.

Brett’s head (and floppy hair) is famously directly next to the TV in the company bullpen, and I can see the hair on his neck stand up a bit when we’re 23 minutes into yet another version of “Hungersite” from Chicago.

I mean, what’s he going to do? Fight the dude in the office who keeps playing jam bands? That’s so not chill.

I’d Like To Give My Son The Gift Of Live Sports

by Dave

The crack of the bat. The roar of the crowd. The 18-dollar beers. I need to get a game in. Living in Austin, my options for live professional sporting events are as follows: Austin FC, The Rangers’ AAA affiliate, The Round Rock Express, or the Dallas Stars minor league club, The Texas Stars in Cedar Park. It’s not Dallas, but it’s doable. I’d also like to bring my son, almost three, to what would be his first sporting event. His name is Rhodes btw. Not almost three.

My first ball game was the hometown Texas Rangers at old Arlington Stadium. A truly terrible team that played in a truly terrible ballpark. The Red Sox were in town, and we sat in the left field bleachers in front of a guy who yelled “Greenwell is a weasel,” the entire time. That dude hated Mike Greenwell. Pretty harmless chirping in retrospect, but I couldn’t believe what I was seeing and hearing. So much so that it’s basically all I remember from that day. I was probably five or six years old, and my big takeaway was the shitfaced guy whose voice carried. I have no clue who won that day.

I’d say that I’d love for my son to have a similar experience, but we all know the 2023 equivalent of that memory is a browned-out sweaty asshole rolling down section 138 after trying to throw hands with the even sweatier browned-out asshole behind him. Maybe he could learn a valuable lesson on tactical advantage.

Is he too young to drop a considerable amount of money on tickets, parking and food? Or do we make the trek up to Arlington to watch another bullpen meltdown? We can’t have two jaded Rangers fans in this house. There are only a few games left in the regular season, so it probably won’t happen. But when it does, I’d like to not have to bail after four innings because he’s bored. From what I’ve been told, we’d be lucky to get four innings in at his age.

Do I dare subject him to a Cowboys game? 2-0, we dem boyz, 5 Super Bowls etc. etc. I can’t do that to him yet. A Mavs game? Yeah, let him get attached to Luka for a year before he inevitably asks for a trade. I think we’ll stick to the zoo.

Just Three Days Left…

The Washed Classic Crewneck is available for purchase for the next three days and the next three days only. Sunday, September 24 is the final day of the presale.

Head over to the Washed Store now or simply mash that button below.

Buy Now

5 Classic Horror Films To Watch This Spooky SZN

by Dillon

Spooky Szn is upon us, and I’m not only talking about the hottest Washed Media podcast that runs during the month of October. Something about me: I love Halloween. Love it. It not only kicks off the holiday season, it’s also the vibiest of all holidays. I start watching scary movies when the calendar turns to October to embrace the spirit of it all. You should do the same.

Below are five horror films you should start with, the newest of which being 27 years old. These are in no particular order. I can already hear the criticisms flying in about how these are some of the most popular, mainstream horror films of all time. You’re not wrong. But the classics are classics for a reason.

Watch these movies and prepare yourself to welcome Halloween with a cold, dead soul.

Texas Chainsaw Massacre (1974) - TCM hits a little different for me, someone from central Texas. If you’re unaware, this movie is very loosely based on real events that occurred about 40 miles outside of Austin. The “real” Leatherface was named Ed Gein, and although he was a certified bad hombre, the movie certainly took some egregious liberties. I’m not even sure he used a chainsaw in real life?

The movie absolutely slays, though.

Halloween (1978) - The original Halloween isn’t going to blow you away with excessive gore, jump scares, or overly intriguing story lines. There is plenty there, though – a six-year-old murders his older sister in cold blood, is sent away to a mental institution, then escapes 15 years later to return to Haddonfield and pick up where he left off.

It’s the quintessential American scary movie to get you in the mood for Halloween. I’m even willing to overlook one of the final scenes where Michael took a thousand rounds to the chest with a 38 special while falling off a second floor balcony only to walk it off and disappear into the night. The eerie score is legendary and Michael Myers is perhaps the most iconic killer in cinema history. Just check the costume aisle of any Spirit Halloween.

Psycho (1960) - You can’t put a respectable list like this together without including either A) literally any Hitchcock movie, or B) Psycho specifically. Throw away the horror genre for a minute; some people claim this movie belongs among the greatest ever made across all genres. Period.

The shower scene, the perfectly creepy demeanor of Norman Bates, the Bates Motel itself, the shocking revelation about his mother – it’s all perfect.

Friday The 13th (1980) - There’s something about the setting of Friday the 13th that is ideal for brutal murdering. Teenage camp counselors in early ‘80s attire that stay at a remote, lakeside camp? Oh let’s go. Brief nudity, people hooking up, and a lake-dwelling serial killer in a hockey mask? Sign me the fuck up.

Jason Voorhees and his machete are on the Mt. Rushmore of American horror movie bad guys. You know the popular trope about how the people shown having sex in slasher movies are the first to get got? You can thank Friday the 13th for that one. I think maybe Scream even mentions it?

Scream (1996) - This is maybe the most “fun” horror film out there. It’s plenty scary and includes several jump scare moments, but it’s fairly lighthearted, too. In a self-deprecating kind of way, the movie literally calls out the formula for crafting the perfect scary movie. Genius.

The scene with Drew Barrymore’s character when she’s popping popcorn and repeatedly answering the phone for some reason is a tier one scary movie moment. The Ghostface mask is, and I’m guessing here, probably the highest earning Halloween mask of all time, too. What a flick.

How you can support Washed:

Shop the Washed Media store
Subscribe to podcasts in the Washed Media network
Subscribe to our Patreon episodes via Spotify
Follow Washed on Instagram
Or, just subscribe here:
Thanks for reading Washed.