Welcome to Washed Weekly — a weekly newsletter that will feature original columns, quick reads, exclusive product drops, and an offering of some of the best content we’ve created throughout the week that was. Read it, enjoy it, and pass it on to anyone you think will enjoy it, too. You can also check out the Washed network of podcasts.
We Doing Nostalgia Slop?
by Dillon
As someone born in 1983 and has a sneaky affinity for some well-done (it’s come a long way!) AI slop, I have to confess that the nostalgia slop that’s all over my Instagram feed has reached its intended demographic. It draws me in and is absolutely tailor made for me. Am I proud of it? I’m not.
I don’t necessarily support slop. I want to be clear about that. The type of slop that’s taking human jobs, especially. The creative types. That’s not great. But when the slop finds me via algorithm and mesmerizes my dick off while hitting me squarely in my feels, I’m not exactly in a hurry to skip past it.
That’s what nostalgia slop is currently doing to me. It takes me back to a simpler time. It makes me happy and sad at the same time. It makes me miss being a kid and bemoan the stresses and responsibilities of adulthood.
Here’s an example of some 2000s slop that takes me back to life in my ‘98 two-door Tahoe with a couple 10-inch Kickers rattling my sideview mirrors as Lil Troy can be faintly heard throughout the usually quiet, family-friendly streets of northwest Austin. It’s a Wednesday and I just left for home after baseball practice. Might get home and fire up Limewire to download Brooke Burke topless pics on the family desktop or see what’s popping on AOL Instant Messenger.
Editor’s note: Substack decided to stop allowing Instagram embeds for me, so click through on the images instead.
Hitting Blockbuster on a Friday night or hey-mistering for some Keystone Lights with the boys. Having 40 of your best friends over because your parents are out of town and a rumor of a kegger is making the rounds. Asking them not to break or spill anything and to be quiet so the cops don’t get called. Just 2001 things.
Alright, it’s Halloween in 1988. I just turned five years old and was ready to hit the streets with my sister and probably my mom. I’m dressed like a Dallas Cowboy, with a helmet and everything. I’m carrying a pillowcase and I’m not walking home until I fill it all the way up.
I get home and wait until my mom checks my candy for razor blades for some reason before I tear into a full-size Payday and mix in some Dots before trying to sleep in the midst of a sugar rush. Just living.
It’s December in 1995 and Christmas is so close you can feel it. Presents line the base of the tree and one of them, just like each of the five years prior, is shaped exactly like the latest Easton you asked for.
School is pointless as everyone has already checked out for the long Christmas break. Your teacher wheels in the tube TV and you fuck around with your friends in the back of the classroom as ‘The Nightmare Before Christmas’ has everyone else’s attention.
That’s the stuff.
If you clicked on the above, you’re algorithm is about to look a lot like mine. You’re welcome for the slop.
Earlybird CBD
I’ve talked a lot lately about how I enjoy bad movies so much — corny, unfunny, hokey, bad acting, or just a downright terrible plot. They’re all for me. It’s not even that I’m hate-watching. I genuinely like them.
Anyway, I think I finally figured out why that is. It’s because I watch them in bed after popping an Earlybird gummy. It makes total sense. It’s damn near impossible to dislike a movie if you’re subtly high and in an amazing mood.
They have the new Drops, too, a hemp-derived, water soluble tincture formulated with a Feel Good balance of THC and CBD. Exactly like the gummies, each serving of Drops contains ~2.5mg of THC and ~12.5mg of CBD.
Drops are water soluble, meaning they can seamlessly be mixed with any beverage
Drops contain ZERO Calories and ZERO Sugar
The “Dropper” format allows you to “fine-tune” the right dose for the right moment
Earlybird Drops are unflavored and have a tart and earthy taste - just like the plant they are made from
Or just stick to the gummies, like I do, because they’re undefeated.
Right now at EarlybirdCBD.com, you can purchase the Drops or the gummies for 20% OFF your order with Code “WASHED.” This is a single use code so load up your cart.
What I’m Cooking, Drinking, And Watching This Weekend
by Dave
What I’m Cooking
I might need to scrap this section and just do a “What I’m Ordering to get my Podcast Producer Off my Case.” Every week I come into work, open my laptop to jump back into the trenches, and he shows up to ask whether I had Pizza Hut over the weekend. He thinks it’s a “gamechanger” and wants me to try it. I have no plan on doing this, to be clear, but I can’t rule it out if another 5-hour day at the pool has me down bad. Down bad meaning my shoulders are shot from throwing kids and I’m reeling from the sun, and not like a down bad because I drank all day situation.
So yeah, I don’t know. I’ve weirdly been on a chicken grind with the smoker, and I kind of have it dialed. It’s boring, kinda sucks left over, but it’s lean and gives my little tum tum a break from the red meat. I need a new kitchen hobby. Maybe it’s time to turn my attention to carbs. Starches. Making my own sourdough. Things of that nature. If I dropped a ‘gram of me cranking a homemade pasta maker in my kitchen, you know it’d do numbers. Stay tuned.
What I’m Drinking
A few Christmases ago, my parents gifted me a whiskey wedge glass with the diagonal cut ice wedge. I know. Sick brag, Dave. As my bourbon intake has steadily decreased over the last year or so, it’s sat dormant and frozen in my freezer just waiting for me to put the call in to get it up and moving. Well, as of the last couple weeks, it’s a rotation player. Yeah, this thing is eating up some innings on Friday and Saturday when the kids are down, and I’ve got nothing but time on my hands. What am I drinking, you may ask? Tequila. I’ve got a couple decent bottles in the cabinet that both pair well with a bone-chillingly cold whiskey glass. Yeah, I’m the type of dude microdose a little clear tequila every now and then. I’m different.
What I’m Watching
Lioness
This will not be another op-ed on Taylor Sheridan. It just won’t. I’ve played that card too many times in the last year, so I’ll spare you. With that being said, this season has been pretty good. Pretty good? Sure, why not? He did Sicario after all, so you know he’s got it in him. Through two episodes, we’ve already had some casual espionage and one of the best combat scenes to be in a Sheridan production. Zoe has been great. I don’t know how many hot CIA case workers who also get active in warzones there are, but she has me believing. Look: I have a HOT Dragon hole to fill. I’ve been thinking about the Winter Wolves for the last 72 hours. Of course the over-the-top special ops thriller written by a guy on testosterone replacement therapy has me stoked. Give it a shot.
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Dave drinking tequila means el Dave's are back in the geist
AI Slop: take me baaaack