Washed Weekly: Pickles, Statement Shirts, & Ninja Turtles
Something loud and sexy and Dillon.
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Wyatt Koch Walked So Dan Flashes Could Run
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On Thursday’s Listener Voicemails episode, available only on Patreon, I led off the show saying I was in the market for a loud summer shirt and needed some helpful guidance from real fashion ball knowers. The Barrett Dudley types of the world. Only Dave and Randy were in the room with me, so suffice to say I’m still looking for some help (no offense).
I want a shirt that makes a statement but is still within my own realm of comfort and confidence. When I pull up to the function, I want people talking about my shirt. Like “Oh shit, he wore the shirt” type shit. Not in a way that pokes fun, but in a “Look, Dillon’s taking a shot here and we respect the bold choice, but also he looks dope and crazy handsome.”
I have an idea of the type of shirt I’m looking for, but I’m not quite there yet. I’ve been looking but haven’t found the one. Think Lochlan in ‘White Lotus’ with that alligator jawn from Tombolo. That’s in the ballpark. I’m not opposed to terry cloth or lavish embroidery. I’m down with a wild design or those bottom pocket shirts that Will wears (no idea what they’re called). I’ll do purple or red or green or canary yellow or anything in between. Camp collar? Sure, why not? Unless that style is out of favor at this point. Wouldn’t know. Button down, no button – I don’t care. Just something loud and sexy and Dillon.
Naturally, this conversation on the pod reminded us of our good friend Wyatt Koch, son of the lesser known of the three Koch brothers, Bill Koch, who’s also a billionaire. Wyatt was a pioneer of the fashion world, perhaps before his time.
His now defunct shirt brand, Wyatt Ingraham, made the loudest, most obnoxious shirts on the market. His iconic “money bags” design was a can’t-miss staple to any respectable wardrobe and could be worn in both the boardroom and right to the discoteca.
The reason Wyatt Ingraham failed wasn’t because the shirts weren’t certified heat (they were). It was because the world wasn’t ready for them yet.
It was because we were still wearing bland neutrals and tech polos. A button down with eight balls and pool cues was too jarring for the American consumer back then. You weren’t seeing anyone pull up to the club in a neon palm tree button down with the brightest, loudest inner cuff flip the word has ever seen because we were still rocking slim-fit, patternless, solid whites from J Crew. Society lacked the flavor that Wyatt was dutifully trying to bring us.
You think the baddie scouring the late night scene at your local bar is choosing the boner in the light blue Peter Millar or the alpha male in the pink handcuffs on black silk mf? Exactly. Keep your Peter out of my discoteca, please.
You want to sit in the corner and talk to zero chicks all night over a bucket of domestics in chinos and Brooks Brothers bullshit or do you want to get sweaty on the dance floor and grind on hot ass chicks wearing the latest royal blue with gold fish hooks design from Wyatt Fucking Koch?
Yeah, that’s what I thought.
Wyatt was a visionary. He saw the world through a different lens. A doper lens. He knew his wild ass style would take off like a goddamn rocket ship. He just got the when part wrong.
Now we’re seeing all these copycat brands get hot at the right time, leaving Wyatt as nothing more than a fashion relic that, sadly, few remember. He walked so Dan Flashes could run. Toss on the brightest top you can find and pour one out for our mans.
In the meantime, I’m still looking for a loud summer shirt and I need some help. Please send brands my way. Thank you.
My Little Ninja Turtle
by Dave
I had this topic on the rundown for both Monday and Wednesday’s show this week. We went long with the material leading up to it, so I treated it like noted F1 commenter Jared Borislow and bumped it. I’m glad I did so that I can work through it a little bit in a column that tens of thousands of people will read. So here’s the deal: I’ve guided my son towards a rapidly developing Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles fandom, which on its face is perfectly harmless, but I feel just a little dirty about it. I may have really forced the issue here.
TMNT was a top 2 show for four-year-old me. It was right there with the Ghostbusters cartoon, another objectively great show. They’re turtles who are also ninjas for god’s sake. And they’re dickhead teenagers to boot! The premise rules, so forgive me for guiding, eh forcing, my son to watch an episode or two of the latest adaptation of the cartoon. Trash move? That’s what I’m grappling with. He’s got buddies who are already into the show, so I’m pretty certain this would have happened naturally. Does that make me feel any less dirty about moving his timeline up a little bit? Not really. But it’s not like I’m forcing a sport that I used to excel at to fill some sort of void in my psyche. No, it’s way too soon for that. I won’t live through him vicariously until 7th grade at the earliest.
This doesn’t end at just a 22-minute cartoon, though. I somewhat unintentionally doubled down on my TMNT full court press. I showed him the XBOX.
My intentions were good. The plan was to update everything so I could drop into Verdansk with the boys. Plug it in, turn it on, agree to some updated terms and conditions, and let the downloads ride. It didn’t work like that. He saw me fumbling through the home screen and noticed a giant banner at the top featuring TMNT: Shredder’s Revenge. He wanted to play it. Hell, I wanted to play it. I explained to him that the XBOX, something he knew I owned but had never actually seen, was going to be out of commission while it updated a few things. “We can play after I eat dinner,” he replied. This kid is good. He knew my plan was to wait him out.
You can probably guess where this is going. Once dinner time rolled around, I was using a video game as a bargaining chip to get him eat some nuggets. It worked, because of course it did, and before long we were cracking foot clan skulls with Leonardo and the boys. For those of you who are disgusted with me, I limited gameplay time to 15 minutes. That definitely makes this better. And while I felt a little bad for allowing him to rip it up on an XBOX with me, part of me knew that he’d be Ninja Turtles guy for the rest of his life. A real core memory.
It's changed everything. Now all we’re discussing at bedtime is what Michelangelo’s favorite food is, and why Donatello carries a stick around. Also, what’s Shredder’s deal? I couldn’t be prouder! Sure, there’s a little bit of cartoon violence I have to explain to him, but there’s way worse stuff on the local news! These fun little ninjas who just so happen to be turtles will teach him life lessons like, “always obey your sensei who just so happens to be a rat.” He loves it. A little cartoon action with the occasional XBOX drop-in never hurt anyone.
Would I Eat/Drink It: Pickle Edition
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I don’t know what my final meal would be but I do know that I intend to have a jar of pickles next to me before I stand up and face the firing squad. I ask “Are you going to eat your pickle?” just before the waiter clears the table without fail. In my refrigerator right now, you could find pickles of different genus and species without even having to dig around.
My name is Will and I love pickles.
How pickle-coded am I these days? My entire explore feed on Instagram is just constantly serving me recipes and products that I’ll never buy or make. After all, I like pickles in their truest form: pickle.
Below you’ll find several products and recipes involving pickles along with my eatability/drinkability score. Only real pickleheads should proceed from here on out.
Pickle Cereal
How is this any different than me standing over the sink eating pickles directly out of the jar? I’m probably eating the same amount of pickles and also receive the added bonus of not risking locking eyes with my neighbor through our kitchen window. This may be an elite hangover snack if we’re willing to have that conversation.
Eatability: 6.5/10
Pickle Spritz
I don’t love mixing alcohol and pickles. Anytime you start putting booze in the mix with your favorite foods, you risk flying directly into the sun and ruining the flavor for life. I’m talking about barfing, guys.
But there’s something about this pickle spritz that has my attention. Is it the dill sprig that makes it look legitimately refreshing? Is it the faint coloration? Am I just spritz-coded and cheugy? All of the above can be true but here’s one thing I know: I don’t think I’m turning one of these down.
Drinkability: 8/10
This Turkey Sandwich with The Most Pickles I’ve Ever Seen
I used to aggressively haggle with a kid in middle school for his turkey sandwich every day. His mom would pack him the same sandwich every single damn day and he never got tired of it, which I somewhat understand because it always looked phenomenal: turkey on white with lettuce and mayo. A workingman’s sandwich that was only missing one thing: a handful of pickles.
Obviously this is overkill and more adjacent to Mr. Beast than it is an actual food account with value. But even with the pickles spilling out of it, I’m somehow not completely disgusted.
Eatability: 5/10
Pickle Cookie
Nope!
Eatability: 0/10
Pickle Hot Sauce
Truthfully, I’m surprised I haven’t encountered a pickle hot sauce before. I’m imagining a barbacoa taco on a fluffy flour tortilla. When I hope that thing up, it just starts steaming. “Oh yeah,” I say to myself as I take in the aromas. I look over to the center of the table and see a small container with three hot sauces in it. One is mild, the other is habanero. But what’s this green one? Oh, what do I see here? A little pickle action? I start drizzling it onto the barbacoa and I can see the flavors coming together in real-time. It’s oozing out the back as I—
Okay, I should stop.
Eatability: 10/10
Pickle Seltzer
When it comes to any canned alcoholic beverage that isn’t a light domestic beer, I become a little apprehensive. I’m not a fan of the canned tequila cocktails when I could just make one myself with a couple simple ingredients. For me, the convenience doesn’t outweigh the drop in flavor.
If my wife is drinking one because it was in the cooler on a pontoon boat, sure, I’ll give it a sip or two. But if I’m encountering these at the grocery store and it’s my only option for catching a cool buzz that weekend, I’m probably pivoting to gas station gummies.
Drinkability: 3/10
Pickle Salsa
My favorite store-bought pickles of all-time are Claussen, and real pickleheads know this to be true. The realest of pickleheads will also know that there have been recent complaints about Claussen’s coloration and crunch lately (or lack thereof) but that’s neither here nor there.
My second favorite? Grillo’s. Throw some tomatillos up in that jar and blend it til it’s dippable? Sign. Me. Up. I don’t really seen any downside here.
Eatability: 9/10
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Dandy Del Mar sounds like a brand of shirt you are looking for, true to size if not runs a little small depending on the shirt
The jar of Claussen Pickles in my fridge tasted off and I thought it was just me!!!!!!