Washed Weekly: Parking Situations, Office Snacks, & Chicago Dining
What’s the Mattle Rancho’s of Chicago?
Welcome to Washed Weekly — a weekly newsletter that will feature original columns, quick reads, exclusive product drops, and an offering of some of the best content we’ve created throughout the week that was. Read it, enjoy it, and pass it on to anyone you think will enjoy it, too. You can also check out the Washed network of podcasts.
“What’s The Parking Situation Like?”
by
You’ve built it up over the course of the week. Sure, it’s been planned since they opened up reservations two months in advance but now the time has officially arrived. It’s a group dinner featuring the typical cast of characters — the couple you always go out to dinner with, the couple you can never get to find a babysitter, and the one couple with the single person who totes along their new flame.
As it goes when you trudge deeper into your 30s, it’s no longer a foregone conclusion that an Uber will be taking to the restaurant. “I probably won’t drink that much,” comes out of someone’s mouth more times than not — and with Uber’s complete and utter lack of profitability lately, ride prices are beginning to approach $23 cocktail prices for quick jaunts.
“You know what?” someone finally asks before leaving, “I’m just going to drive.”
While this seems like it will solve all our problems, one question still remains: “What’s the parking situation like?”
The parking situation. The thorn in our side. The hair in our entree. The person showing you a YouTube video in public. It’s something we don’t want to confront but have no choice but to for fear of it ruining the night completely.
I mean, what’s the best-case scenario when trucking to a group dinner and parking the car? Valet? You pull up to the nice restaurant and notice a booth outside with two strapping gentleman ready to take the keys? They open her door before they open yours, you let them know the keys are in the center console, and you traipse into dinner on-time and ready to mix things up? That sounds pretty damn delightful, honestly.
Depending on the city you’re in, however, this can be a slippery slope. Is it $5 or $35? Because if it’s just a restaurant, it’s probably closer to five bucks plus tip. But if this restaurant is located in a hotel, we’re about to need to offload some Bitcoin holdings to afford parking for a few hours.
Is there even a comparable option to valet when confronting the treacherous parking situation? Let’s take a parking lot around the restaurant, for example. Yes, this would be ideal for two reasons:
It’s a quick in-and-out with minimal fuss and waiting time.
It’s deliciously free.
Which is all fine and dandy until you pull up and see a line of cars hanging out of the lot like they’re trying to enter Woodstock ‘99. You’ve got the guy with his blinkers on waiting for someone to leave (spoiler: they’re never leaving), you’ve got dudes with extended cabs creating their own spots, and you’ve got your midsize SUV trying to fit into spots painted for Fiats.
Meanwhile, because the parking lot is so busy, you’ve got drunk moms walking out of the early shift daring you to hit them with your car like you’re at the entrance of a grocery store at 2 PM. They’re struggling to walk to their cars with their heels on the pavement, their husbands are folding their cash back up because they just remembered they didn’t valet, and they’re going to top things off with a 15-point turn before holding up everyone taking a left out of the restaurant on a busy street. This is my personal hell.
At least we aren’t street parking, though. Angled spots, spots that you aren’t sure are spots, spots that have confusing time parameters around them in hopes you don’t understand and thus get a ticket. Nevermind risking getting your ankle shattered by a Bird Scooter, there’s a better chance you get your door taken off by a city bus or an Uber driver. But hey, at least you get to pay for it all using an app that was developed in 2008.
Like, do you even want me to get into parking garages? Worrying if your Very Normal car is going to scrape the ceiling? Wondering if you’re going to get a spot near a staircase or have to park in the seventeenth floor? Knowing it’ll feel like the stabbiest situation of all-time when you lumber back to your car after a plate full of chicken piccata topped with with some tiramisu? Please, please, no.
Yeah, maybe we should just Uber. I’ll queue one up.
Dinner Options For Six Dudes In Chicago
by Dave
I sure do love Chicago in the summertime. From what I’ve been told, it’s a real treat. Barring natural disaster or a DMB tour bus dumping human waste on me, it has to be better than a Texas summer. I’m already rocking back sweat when I drive to work. It’s bad, folks. Now, the last time we made it up Chicago way, the entire squad rocked fleece vests around town like we were headed to happy hour with our managers at Oracle. Times have changed. It’s a Mugsy Jeans summer.
As the de facto Director of Palettes at Washed Media, I’ve been tasked with coordinating our meals. Night one, we have a little happy hour at the Mugsy Jeans shop downtown. From there, it’s time to feed. Real eater behavior. You know how we get after a meet and greet. I’ve spent most of the afternoon on Open Table sourcing restaurants that are relatively close to the event. Based on my limited research, I have four options:
Option 1: Steakhouse
The obvious move. When we were there for a previous podcast at a previous company, we went to an Italian joint and were seated next to a bachelor party. I couldn’t even tell you how the food was. The vibe was old school, but something else stood out: Hunter. Hunter was the most aggressive member of said bachelor party which should be obvious seeing as how I remember his name. My guess is he was a college friend who didn’t know any of the groom’s friends he made in his late twenties. Of course, he had to compensate. Showing nudes on his phone, loudly discussing exploits, and of course, pressing his thumb into his steak when the brought it out and sending it back. Disgraceful behavior.
I won’t let that encounter prevent me from being objective. Honestly, all I want to do on a Friday night is eat a steak, and steakhouse will be my vote. Hit me with a medium-rare ribeye, baked potato, and buttered up asparagus and let me get some sleep.
Option 2: Italian
Our part of town has no shortage of high-end Italian joints. While I’m not opposed to this, I want my Italian experience in Chicago to be a hole-in-the-wall in a weird part of town. The kind that looks shocked that we would even consider going there but then changes their tune when they realize we’re about to order at least four thirty-dollar bottles of wine. I’d love to get slapped across the face as I order my shrimp scampi with that classic Italian “ah” zing on it. You know what I’m talking about.
Option 3: All Atmosphere
What’s the Matt’s El Rancho Mattle Rancho’s of Chicago? Don’t get me wrong, the food needs to be good, but let’s not kid ourselves: We’re using this dinner as a stepping stone to a big/regrettable night. When we look back upon that weekend, we can firmly point to that dinner, that Friday night dinner, as the moment things took a turn. I don’t know if Café Ba Ba Reeba is the spot, but it’s been recommended by a number of people. Tapas? It sure feels like a tapas-centric menu lends itself to things spiraling. Could be wrong, though.
Option 4: Snag a Quick Glizzy and Walk to a Bar
I fear this is where we’re headed. All it takes is for one of us to get a wild hair and this group will fold like Red Lobster. I would be disappointed. I’m there to do two things: meet listeners and eat absurd meals while sitting down. I’m not too good for a gliz-and-walk, but for me, that’s a late-night venture. I’m thinking me Irish goodbyeing the meetup at 11:45 and wrecking a Chicago dog in the hotel lobby. Picture me down there covered in mustard not knowing how to get back to the room. That’s my speed. I might be on my own here, but I want night number one to be an elite meal to set the tone.
Please advise.
Featured Episode: Cold Call on Circling Back
Above is a free preview of this week’s episode of Cold Call where we talked to Backer Steve about pledging and working at WeWork.
Cold Call is our new Patreon format where we cold call listeners and talk to them about whatever the hell they want to talk about. This week’s calls?
Tony on his NYE wedding, Vegas bachelor party, and how he used to be a piece of shit.
Steve, the former SEC pledge who now works at WeWork
Sydney, the female Backer in STEM who took us on a fishing boat in Lake Superior
John on his all-time down bad two-week stretch
Matt, the somewhat-vocal fry Backer who got hit by a biker on Katy Trail in Dallas
Jordan, a listener who regenerated his nipple after getting it torn off in shop class
We hope you enjoy! If you want to leave your number for a future episode, do so here: www.washedmedia.com/coldcall
The Office Snack Dilemma
by
All morning long, literally all morning long, a discussion about the office’s next snack order has been ongoing. As I type this, these morons are discussing pretzels, Miss Vickie’s, popcorn, all of it. I’m not participating, but I am listening.
As a semi health-conscious person, I don’t partake in office snacks as much as the rest of them. I do go after the chocolate peanut butter Think Bars in the morning (it’s a protein play), and I will sneak some Harvest Cheddar Sun Chips from time to time, but Will, Dave, and Brett are the big snack heads in the office. It’s why I don’t weigh in on these conversations. They don’t affect me too much.
Plentiful healthy options, the Washed Media Headquarters does not possess. You ought to see these guys attack a three-pound pack of Skittles. They’re like starving hyenas after a fresh kill. They go in on Nerd Clusters like they’re the last of a finite resource. You set down a pile of party size Sour Patch Kids within eyesight of this group, they disappear in minutes.
The discussion occurring right now is about which snack box to subscribe to in order to receive monthly deliveries from Amazon.
Let’s look at the five options they’re deliberating over and break them down. The descriptions are pulled straight from Amazon.
Cookies, & Chips Ultimate Snacks Care Package Bulk Variety Pack Bundle Sampler (50 Count)
Sweet and salty, but too much sweet. Look at all this sugar. Are these 30+ year-olds or a kindergarten class? Cookies and fruit snacks, Sour Patch Kids and Fruit Roll-Ups, Rice Krispies Treats and even Airheads??? What are we doing?! Abby’s Cookies? What the hell are Abby’s Cookies?
From this pack, give me the Planters peanuts and that’s about it. I’ll enjoy some salty protein while the rest of you rot your teeth out and develop diabeetus.
Grade: C
Crackers Variety Pack Individually Wrapped Assortment Including Crackers and Cheese Snack Pack, Crackers with Peanut Butter, Lance, Goldfish, Ritz, Austin, Cheez-Its and More Bulk (40 Count)
Much better but still petty unhealthy. Salty favorites with a hint of sweetness. There are some absolute staples in this one and those Cheddar Bunnies go really hard. My son would agree.
Grade: B-
Snack Box Care Package - Snacks Variety Pack Gift - Chips, Candy, Cookies, Crackers Bulk Assortment (160 Count)
Look at the freaking options. It’s a 160-count box but it looks like there are 80 different snacks in here at two per clip. And they’re all junk. Takis, cookies, candy. Come on, guys. We simply can’t have 30 lbs of crap delivered to the office every single month. And during pool szn?
Grade: F
Snack Chest Care Package (120 Count) Variety Snacks Gift Box - College Students, Military, Work or Home - Over 9 Pounds of Chips, Cookies, & Snacks!
This one is very similar to option 1 but it’s a lot bigger. Don’t sleep on Pop Chips, by the way. Not bad! I’ve never heard of Remy’s Grahams but consider my interest piqued. Cheddar Fries? What’s going on there?
Listen, I’m not expecting us to have fresh produce dropped off here weekly, but we can certainly do better on the health front. You can’t sneak organic chickpea puffs, whatever those are, into a box of pure crap and sell it as a health play.
Grade: C-
Supplika Healthy Snacks Care Package Snack Box Grab And Go Variety Pack (30 Count) Discover a Whole New World of Healthy Snacks Basket for Kids Women Men Adult Teens Gift
Is this a perfect assortment of midday office snacks? Certainly not. Is it BY FAR the best option of these five? Absolutely. You throw Garden Salsa Sun Chips and Veggie Straws in the batting order and you’re immediately playing to win. That’s a killer start. Do I see Blue Diamond almonds in there? Yes, I do. Big W. I know Dave about to go crazy on that Skinny Pop, too. It’s even got corn syrup treats for the children in the office so we can keep everyone happy.
Grade: B+
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