Washed Weekly: Out Chasing Bread
Lunch runs, sauna talk, and airport behavior.
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Brick Merriman, Sandwich Orderer
by Dillon
For the purpose of clarity, I have to inform you that the names “Brett” and “Brick” will be used interchangeably throughout this column. They are, in fact, the same person.
Most days here at the Washed Media headquarters, lunch is a pretty uneventful endeavor for the five of us. We will typically record a morning episode of Circling Back and then everyone kind of quietly disperses around noon, one by one, to eat lunch on their own, either at home or at one of the many fast-casual eateries nearby. Except for Randy, actually. He usually heats up a giant homemade burrito in the microwave and eats at his desk. The rest of us will then return later, briefly answer each other’s “where’d you eat?” inquiries and finish out the work day.
Thursday was a little different.
Brick Merriman took it upon himself to take charge and order lunch for the squad, a rare occurrence for anyone in the company. It was a truly well-intended attempt. That much needs to be acknowledged from the jump. Brett means well. Always does.
Only Dave took him up on it, though. Randy, Will, and I passed on the offer, the discussion of which transpired as a 30-minute bullpen back and forth among Brett and Dave. They were dissecting the menu and going over all the options. The rest of us didn’t outwardly decline his generous offer. We simply chose not to speak up about it.
It’s hard to say why we passed. Perhaps it was because we weren’t feeling sandwiches for lunch. Or that we had other plans and just sort of kept it to ourselves. Or maybe, just maybe, it was the unspoken, subconscious understanding that the likelihood of Brett absolutely bricking the lunch order was so palpable in the office that it didn’t need addressing, but rather to sit back and not participate in his proposed lunch plans.
Either way, crisis averted.
There’s this new place down the street from us that I guess is some sort of pizza/sandwich hybrid restaurant. Counter service, to-go option, etc. It’s brand new. Brett actually recommended it to me about six months ago and told me that “the menu was dank and they are open for business.”
Naturally, I pull up to see what’s what, as a new restaurant option near the office always piques by curiosity. I hangrily swing by to scope it out and pick up and sandwich. Guess what. Shit was closed. Like very closed. Lights were off. Zero tables or chairs to be seen when I peeked through the window. Parking lot empty. The signage was seemingly the only thing they had finished in preparation for this grand opening.
Okay, so fast forward to today. The place is officially open for business. Brett pitches the menu options to the squad and Dave is fully bought in. They both share their choices aloud, custo (short for “custom”) options selected, website pulled up, and Brett is navigating away to put their orders in.
All seems to be going smoothly and seamlessly. Items in cart, Brett is ready to close out and leave the office to pick up the sandwiches. There’s a snag, though. The website is not working properly. Brick tries for a few minutes to troubleshoot the issue with no success.
“Fuck it,” he says to the four of us. “I’ll just head there and place the order in person.” Cool, cool. Not an ideal start for this new place or Brett’s well-documented résumé of letting a situation go sideways on him, but sandwiches will be had one way or another.
Brett heads out to pick up lunch. Ten minutes later, Dave gets an update from Brick.
The cook left to get bread. Can’t even make this up.
After Dave sneaks in a quick “I’m always out chasing bread” joke, reality sets in for him. He’s crushed. He really wanted to try this new place and my man is straight HUNGRY. What’s worse is Davey is pretty meh on T-Cloud. He’s wrong for that, though, as Thundercloud makes a fine sub. It’s an Austin staple. It’s every Austinite’s fallback plan in a pinch. Including Brett’s, apparently.
Dave begrudgingly puts his order in for an Italian on wheat and waits another half hour for Brett to come strolling through that door with a sandwich option that doesn’t move Dave’s needle. Brett doesn’t like that place, either, but it was close to pizza/sandwich place and an easy in and out.
There they sat, at their desks, eating very underwhelming subs (according to them) while the rest of us lob jokes about Brett’s latest brick.
Outfits, food orders, or anything under the sun that requires logistical planning and execution, Brick Merriman is always ready to take the lead with questionable success.
That’s our guy, though. And we love him for it.
Spooky SZN Is Upon Us
Everyone’s favorite Washed Media production returns in just two weeks, possibly even sooner. Spooky SZN, the seasonal podcast on which Dave, Will, and Dillon field real-life stories about ghost encounters, unexplainable experiences, or spooky, historical tales from our listeners’ hometowns, is back for the month of October. Warning: This podcast is NOT for the easily spooked.
Below is a FREE episode of Spooky SZN to give you a little taste of what’s to come. Listen as we try to explain the unexplained.
Peak Sauna Blog
by Dave
I’ve noticed a significant uptick in sauna users. We’ve reached peak sauna in America. That’s a good thing, as they’re apparently quite good for you. If you open up Spotify or Instagram right now, you’ll probably be served a podcast or post that will tell you all about it. Feed it to me. I know it’s mainstream because people are way too comfortable in there. Voice to text in a sweatbox surrounded by strangers? That’s wiiild. Your hands are literally free, dude. You’re just sitting there. Typing it out was a very viable option.
Once you hit your mid-thirties, the wellness grind begins. It should probably be earlier than that, but it never plays out that way. Sure, there will attempts made, normally after a two-weekend stretch in the fall with back-to-back weddings and three blackouts that rolls right into the Holidays, but it rarely sticks. You won’t likely get serious about it until you have a health scare, a loved one has a health scare, or you have to take care of a two-year-old by yourself after absolutely getting into a Chianti Classico the night before. It won’t be the last time they see you cry.
Once your diet and exercise journey has commenced, you’ll inevitably find yourself in the sauna. By doing this regularly, you’ll not only be adding years to your life, but you’ll also be adding to the amount of time you’re giving friends, family and acquaintances unsolicited health advice. You need to prepare for this.
If you’re someone who’s dabbled in psychedelics, you should already be aware of this condition. It comes from a good place. You want people to feel as good as you do. You’re hacking life. You took the red pill and you have knowledge that no one else has (other than Nordics, Rogan listeners or anyone on Instagram). Next thing you know, you’ll be at Thanksgiving 2024 telling your nephew about taking cold showers every day.
Pick your spots. Let it come up organically. And definitely don’t mention that you heard about it on a podcast.
Dropping Soon: Washed Classic Crewneck
As a Washed Weekly subscriber, you will be among the first to be notified when the Washed Classic Crewneck is available for presale purchase. This is a Champion branded crewneck sweatshirt with an embroidered “washed” in navy. Yeah, it’s gas.
I can’t stop thinking about the airport girl from July.
by Will
We locked eyes. It’s that moment of fear where you know the entire rest of your day could be ruined just because she has an inkling that I’m trying to get away with something. She couldn’t see my foot holding the suitcase up so it registered under 50 pounds but when she took my bag to put on the conveyor belt, she knew. She knew.
I’ve become as efficient of a traveler as I can be at this point. The issues that stem from losing a checked bag feel more inundating than they used to which is why I’ve learned to check as often as I can, giving the toe of my loafers a rest whenever we get to the ticketing counter.
But ever since July, having a 50.1-pound suitcase is no longer my biggest fear. It’s her.
This photo went viral on Reddit, thus going viral two days later on Twitter, and then a week later on Facebook (probably). The original post says, “This girl at the airport waits until the queue moves all the way forward to move. People confronted her and she said, ’It’s the same if i move now or later.’”
And yes, I’ve thought about it ever since.
What’s most difficult to reconcile about this situation is the fact that she’s completely right, no matter how incorrect it feels. She’s taking social norms, putting them in a blender, and drinking them on the way to the airport where she’s about to shatter the spirit of families everywhere. She’s going to message with her friends on Snapchat until a ticketing agent calls her forward and the world can resume it’s normal order.
Every podcast in the world has discussed the worst people in airports. The person who takes your overhead bin space. The people who crowd the gate despite being in Boarding Group C. The people who stand up when the plane lands. But never in our wildest dreams did we think we’d have someone giving the entire internet an existential crisis over her ability to simply not give a fuck.
I recently made the grave mistake of flying somewhere during spring break. Not college spring break — middle school and high school spring break that yielded an airport full of families heading to Disney World and Scottsdale. The young lady behind me was surely going to miss her flight due to the 90-person line we were forced to stand in to check a bag. The situation became dire.
Knowing she had to move, she asked the gentleman behind me, “Do you mind if I cut? I’m definitely going to miss my flight.” The guy looked at her, looked at the 88 people in front of him, and finally said, “Cutting me isn’t going to do jack shit unless you ask all these other people to cut them to.” She might as well have just gotten in an Uber and asked for a refund for her Miami Beach hotel room right there.
I’ve spent time wondering how I would’ve handled Airport Girl in-person. There’s part of me who thinks I’d be cursing her out under my breath while I make fun of her Western bag. The other part of me thinks I’d be relieved that I don’t have to do that whole charade where you inch your 49-pound golf travel bag a few feet every 120 seconds. Hate on her all you want, but you know moving the entirety of your shit every few minutes isn’t exactly an ideal scenario either. A heartbreaking dilemma.
How do you go about living your life when the ends to the mean no longer make any sense? When you know your life isn’t truly affected but you still secretly hope she gets all her La Mer cosmetics seized by TSA? Because you know anyone with this outlook on life can afford La Mer.
My next travel plans aren’t until February where I surely will have sold the real estate that this woman owns in my head. But if not, you may see my lingering in the TSA Pre-Check line with all my carry-ons. Thank me later.
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Airport girl is absolutely not right if there’s a substantial amount of people behind her. Those folks need to get into the cow pens & form an orderly line too, or else everything becomes a huge mess. The airport is a fragile place where norms are already stretched to their breaking point (airport bars opening at 6 AM is a godsend though), we don’t need her pushing them further.