Washed Weekly: Halloween Jazz, $4,500 in Cookware & Trash Can Etiquette
Fun for all. Vibes aplenty.
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Climbing The Social Ranks Through Le Creuset
by Will
Due to unforeseen circumstances, we were never able to do a wedding registry. When you expedite and downsize your wedding from August 2020 to February 2020 as a big middle finger to Big Wedding, the dynamic clearly shifts a bit when it comes to asking for free shit from your friends. When the invisible enemy’s staring you in the face, it’s never easy to ask for new dish towels or a Margaritaville Key West Frozen Margarita Machine that comes stock with an easy pour jar and extra-large ice reservoir.
Instead, you just sit in your one-bedroom apartment playing Bananagrams and watching Love Island in between muttering, “Man, I’m so glad we got married when we did.”
But two-and-a-half years later, I think I can finally say it without sounding like an asshole: I feel like we really missed out on getting to upgrade our entire kitchen like every other married couple has gotten to in the past.
The older you get, the more sacred your kitchenware becomes. You find yourself standing in other people’s kitchens either judging their panware or wondering how the hell they could afford that huge-ass Viking stove. There’s a tacit pressure to flex a little bit — whether it be with a perfectly seasoned cast iron or glass Tupperware. Both play.
Suddenly, however, things have changed. It’s been reported that Le Creuset is selling their entire kitchenware set for $4,500 through our generation’s Father, Son, and Holy Spirit: Costco. Just look:
Listen, if you’re engaged, just register for it. Just do it right now. I don’t even know if Costco offers registries but if they do, add this and a bunch of Bully Sticks that your doodle-scum dog will breeze through once you eventually have kids. Both will pay dividends, the former more-so than the latter.
If you’re unfamiliar, Le Creuset is the gold standard for anything in your kitchen. If it’s made by Le Creuset, you can bet two things: it’s pricey and it’s quality. But at the end of the day, it’s probably worth it.
A great man once uttered the words, “What are you doing with my Le Creuset, bro?” His name was Johnny Drama and he was frustrated with Dom’s mishandling of a breakfast situation. Not a place you want to be in if you’re Drama because once you begin to forge a relationship with your pans, it’s difficult to see others interact with them in any capacity. Especially Le Creusets.
“Any advice for a newly married couple? Got married two weeks ago!” is a question I’ve seen several times during the random Sunday Scaries AMAs I do on Instagram. Truthfully, I don’t have much marriage advice other than (1) Happy Wife, Happy Life and (2) Learn to live with very-little-to-no counter space in the bathroom.
But if you’re still piling things into your registry or you even think your boyfriend is about to propose in the next three months, make sure you cash in on this. If you don’t have an Aunt Gigi who can buy it on a whim, Crowdfund it. It’s worth it in the long run. You’re already getting your nails done every Friday in hopes he’s getting down on one knee — creating a premature registry isn’t that crazy.
Just think: when you have a Christmas party and every couple sees what you’re working with around the kitchen island, you’ll be the talk of every group dinner moving forward through Sober January. But with great power comes great responsibility: don’t overcook the roast. Everyone will know you’re a fraud.
My Coworker Won’t Stop Playing Halloween Jazz In The Office
by Dillon
I’ve made no bones about the fact that I love Halloween and everything it has to offer. I rank it right behind Christmas on my list of favorite holidays. I actually think it’s the vibiest of all holidays. I recently saw someone on Twitter describe it as the “coolest” of all holidays, and I absolutely agree.
The colors, the ambience, the goblins and the ghouls, the candy and the jack-o-lanterns, the cool weather, the scary movies, the costume parties, the following your kid around trick-or-treating with a 40-ounce Yeti rambler full of cheap red wine – it’s all so much freaking fun. Not to mention: Halloween, batting leadoff, kicks off the holiday season and best time of year. October, and everything that arrives with it, instantly makes my mood better.
It’s even secular (I think it was originally religion-based but we can all agree it’s not anymore), so mostly everyone can partake. Fun for all. Vibes aplenty. Charleston Chews for everyone.
I get the feeling my coworker Brett also likes Halloween. Aside from the annual Brett Merriman Spooky Halloween Monster Bash he hosts each year at his home, he’s been setting a very chill, Halloween-inspired ambience in our office bullpen all of October in the form of Halloween Jazz YouTube videos running on a loop.
The videos look like this:
So what exactly is the musical genre “Halloween Jazz” all about, you’re asking yourself. It’s really just normal soft jazz with the occasional wolf howl in the distant background. We’re talking a gentle tickling of the ivory, a light strumming of the bass and maybe another low-pitched string instrument that I can’t identify, a soft snare drum, and then out of nowhere, BOOM, they hit you with a wolf howl in the distance to remind you this isn’t your grandma’s jazz music. It’s the spooky kind.
BUT, the videos are about much more than the music that accompanies them. The visuals are elite.
YouTube pages like Cozy Café Shop and Jazz Café Ambience have curated some next level AI-generated spooky Halloween chill situations, like the one above and also like these two:
If these settings don’t make you want to put on a last-minute ghost or zombie ensemble and sort through your kids’ Halloween candy for hidden razor blades or Snickers-laced fentanyl in a fireside loveseat or cozy, leaf-covered leather chair, we’re simply on different waves. And my wave is so much better than yours.
Where in the world can you find such a perfectly inviting, yet spooky Halloween chill scene like this? Literally nowhere. Don’t even look because they only exist artificially. They also currently exist on the 55-inch flatscreen in our office, to which I am absolutely glued, and that won’t change until the calendar turns to November.
And before we know it, December will be here. You know what that means.
The Washed Cursive Hat Is Going LIVE Today In The Washed Media Store
The hat brand is Richardson and it is a snapback. Quantities are limited so don’t sit around and think about it for too long.
Revisiting The Dog Walker’s Dilemma
by Dave
A few years ago, on a podcast that is no longer in operation, I put an opinion out there that rocked the fabric of digital media:
You should not drop your dog’s poo bag in a stranger’s trashcan.
We lost listeners. Sponsors threatened to pull their ads. Someone from the Austin Business Journal even reached out for comment. I had none. So after all these years, you’d think I’d learn to be less controversial. Less polarizing. Nope.
I stand by my comment.
As the proud owner of a large dog who takes absolute mondos, I understand and sympathize with dog owners who don’t want to carry that around. I’ve even carved out an exception to the rule which allows a dog walker to utilize another household’s trashcan (pre-pickup) on trash day. Even that was deemed controversial by many of my peers, but progress often requires compromise.
When you agree to take ownership of a dog, you agree to years of companionship, a guardian-ward relationship, shedding, bed crowding, accidents, and carrying around large bags of fecal matter for extended periods of time. It’s part of the deal.
As inviting as your neighbor’s trashcan may be, it’s never acceptable to trespass for the sake of using a trashcan. Yes, I’ve seen this done. In broad daylight. Embarrassing. Even criminal.
So don’t do it. Buy a fanny pack. Find a dumpster on your route or something. Just don’t let me catching you kids tossing your dog poo in my trashcan, or I will absolutely expose you on Nextdoor.
2023 Halloween Costume Help
by Randy
Halloween is right around the corner, and if you’re anything like me, you don’t have a costume picked out yet. I thrive under procrastination pressure, so I’m not worried about it. But you might be.
This year is going to be a sea of Barbies and Taylor Swifts for the ladies. The worst guy you know is going to be Ken, and if he isn’t then he’s definitely being Oppenhiemer or Carmy from The Bear. But maybe you don’t want to fall in line with the rest. Maybe you want to zig where others zag.
To help, I have compiled my list of what might be some popular enough costumes that won’t be overdone.
Roman Legion
How often do you think about the Roman Empire? Not enough if you’re not considering getting the boys together and going as a bunch of Roman soldiers. Imagine you and 4,199 of your closest buds getting ready to take on the holiday. Don’t get decimated!
TMFINR (Tiffany Gomas)
“That mother fucker is not real!” This is an easy one to do for the ladies. In the age of plane shenanigans, this trumps all. The best part of this costume is that it can easily turn into a couples’ costume with any mythological creature. Put your significant other in a Santa or Bigfoot costume and you’re done.
OceanGate Submersible
Now you can do this one in a bunch of different ways. Is it a little insensitive? Yeah, maybe. But it’s a holiday where people dress up as serial killers and much worse. The whole world was captivated by this event, and it’s how I’m going to remember 2023. Get a captain’s hat and a Logitech controller and you’ll be ready to take on the deepest depths of Halloween.
Big Red Boots
These boots were definitely not made for walking. I don’t know what they were made for, but they were a hit this year. I’m not exactly sure how you’d recreate these, but you have a week. Find a way.
Smurf Cat
I’m not exactly sure what Smurf Cat’s deal is, but I know people are into it. Not everyone will understand this reference, but if you do then you’re a real one. The people who get it immediately are real ones, too. This costume will find the most online people in the room.
Grimace Shake
Happy birthday, Grimace! I don’t know if McDonald’s had a part in the TikTok trend that took over the Grimace Shake deal or not, but damn was that everywhere. This is a good one if you’re really into Halloween gore makeup. Maybe you don’t want to be a normal blood covered, throat slit, eyeball-hanging zombie this year. Maybe you just replace that red blood with some purple milkshake and be a victim of Grimace’s birthday treat. Make it your own. Have fun!
Aliens
You can be an alien any year really, but this year just hits different. With Chinese weather balloons, US congressional hearings, and petrified Mexican alien corpses, 2023 has been a hot year for UFOs. There are plenty enough alien costumes out there, so slap a USA approved sticker on there and you’re a true 2023 alien.
Have fun out there this Halloween. Drink some cider, eat some candy, and watch a scary movie or two. And as always, stay spooky!
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The dealers in Austin are giving out snickers-laced fentanyl??
Absolute heat from all four of the boys 🤝