Washed Weekly: First Edition
Holding you over until happy hour.
Welcome to Washed Weekly — a weekly newsletter that will feature original columns, quick reads, exclusive product drops, and an offering of some of the best content we’ve created throughout the week that was. Read it, enjoy it, and pass it on to anyone you think will enjoy it, too. You can also check out the Washed network of podcasts.
Seasonal Beers to Look Out For this Fall
Fall is the best time of year to be alive for a few different reasons, the most underrated perhaps being the seasonal beers that start hitting shelves as September approaches. Below are the fall beers you need to be looking out for before leaves start falling. And if you find any of these stocked at your local store, don’t assume they’ll stay stocked for long.
Weihenstephaner Festbier - This German seasonal lager is from the oldest brewery in the world, dating back to 1040. Golden in color, 5.8% ABV, with a hint of sweetness.
Shipyard Pumpkinhead Ale - It tastes just like Halloween. As flavorful and pumpkin-y as this beer is, it’s light and extremely drinkable, too.
Rogue Dead Guy Ale - This one might not meet all the traits of a fall beer – it’s available year-round – but it deserves a seat at the table. Crispy, roasty, and nutty. It’s awesome.
Spaten Oktoberfest - I’ve tried many Oktoberfest beers but this one is easily my favorite. It’ll make you want to throw on some lederhosen, drink from a stein, and make out with a European with whom there’s a language barrier.
Samuel Smith’s Nut Brown Ale - As difficult to find as it is tasty. For my money, it’s the best fall beer, pound for pound, on the planet. It tastes like cool, dry air and leaves changing color.
Stupid Office Jargon of the Week: “Let’s toss some stuff in the wok and see what comes out crispy.”
If you’re bored on a call this week, it’s time to play a game called “shoehorn in the most absurd office phrases you can before the call is over” — yes, we’re workshopping the name of this game.
This will play well in the following scenarios:
Brainstorming with the olds who will just ask you to “change the font” on something to a much worse font.
When no one’s talking on the call and you realize you haven’t actually contributed in a few weeks to, well, anything.
When you’re a chef at P.F. Chang’s and you’re testing new dishes with the leftover shrimp from the weekend (more on that soon).
Hey, we’re just spitballing here. Good luck.
Best Case/Worst Case For New Food Truck Park Across from The Studio
by Dave Ruff
We work in Austin, TX. Every other week, there’s a new Neapolitan pizza spot, a new road under construction, or a new shopping center that will be leveled and turned into condos in the next 24 months.
Our office is located directly across from what will likely be a hilariously expensive condominium tower. My sources tell me that in the months/years leading up to this redevelopment, a food truck park (classic Austin) will hold down the vacant portion of the property until demolition commences. Great news for us.
Time to toss a wrench in the lunch spot rotation. Here’s my best case/worst case for potential food options.
Best Case
PF Chang’s First Ever Food Truck
We need the staples: Lettuce Wraps, Dynamite Shrimp, Mongolian Beef, Kung Pao, Fried Rice. This won’t be a hypothetical everyday spot, but for those days where I’m trying to ruin my afternoon and possibly evening, sign me up.
A Chicken Flauta-Exclusive Food Truck
It goes without saying, but it’s the most fun order on any menu. This office is a work hard-play hard environment, so let a player play with some flautas on his lunch break. It’s feedin’ time.
World Class Barbecue With Online Ordering
What if I didn’t have to wait 55 minutes to get .50 lbs. of moist ‘cue? It’s 109 today. I can’t sit outside in a line just to acquire what will undoubtedly Tsar Bomba my stomach. Every good spot in Austin is one Rogan Instagram from becoming inaccessible to the common folk. Let me place an order from the comfort of my desk, and I will walk across the street to get it when it’s ready.
Worst Case
A Burger Spot That Does Not Smash Their Burgers
Imagine ordering a hamburger at lunch that’s not completely pulverized. Could not be me. I’m tired of bringing my own hammer when I go out for a burger. Smash that shit, bro. Daddy’s hungry.
Pizza By The Slice
I play by the rules. One pizza transaction per week. I can’t have the temptation of playing my Za Card™ staring me in the face each day. What if they import their water from NYC? You know that’s why the dough is so good, right? I’d lose all pizza privileges and possibly my family.
An Optimized Coffee Trailer
Nothing against grass-fed butter and MCT oil, but the last place that sat in this spot nearly financially ruined me. I can’t turn down the promise of brain optimization with my caffeine. It’s simply too good. I’m weak and desperate to feel something different each day. Stay the fuck away from me, 9-dollar nootropic coffee.
This Week in Incredibly Stupid Aesthetic Photos: The Beach Cave
by Will deFries
“Doing it for the Instagram” was something people said in 2014 when they were jealous of (seemingly) everyone’s yearly summer trek to the Amalfi Coast. It was before Instagram stories existed, and it was the opposite of a term of endearment.
In my humble opinion, “doing something for the ‘gram” is far superior to “sitting on the couch scrolling Instagram,” but this is also a case-by-case basis situation where there’s very little consistency.
A majority of my scrolling habits exist in three apps: Instagram, Twitter, and Tumblr. Yes, I’m channeling my inner-emo and still actively following and liking things on Tumblr. If you’re not totally familiar with Tumblr, that’s no problem. You’re probably also not familiar with Phoebe Bridgers but that’s neither here nor there.
For any greenhorns out there, here’s how ChatGPT described it:
Yes, it’s more “aesthetic” than the other mediums. And yes, I’m as tired of the word “aesthetic” as you are.
But when it comes to “doing it for the ‘gram” or being “aesthetic,” you have to draw a line. Which is what I’m going to start doing more publicly — shaming those who clearly take “being aesthetic” too far.
Our first victim:
Seems innocent enough. I found this photo on Tumblr like you find most photos on Tumblr: without a source. That’s okay though as I don’t want the person who created this photo to feel worse about themselves than they already do. Here are the reasons this photo absolutely sucks:
The Sheet Positioning: We all know you bring a blanket to a picnic. So why the hell would you bring a one-ply top sheet to a cliff-cave that has a ground surface that looks like desert? I can feel the rocks piercing my ass. I can see the dirt still on the sheet as I take it out of the dryer two days later.
The Book: I know it and you know it — most of us bring a book on vacation to “read” but we just end up getting two pages in and ordering a Miami Vice. It appears as though this book is opened to the forward, and I can’t imagine much happened after that.
No Pillows: So you’re just raw-dogging the rubble? Leaning your back up against the sidewalls that look like they have hieroglyphics on them? Yeah, okay, bud.
The Integrity of the Cave: If this photo was actually real and not just a cave photoshopped over an aerial beach photo, I’d have serious concerns about anyone posing for photos within two feet of that edge. Major potential for a New York Post headline when someone inevitably bites it.
View vs. Beach: The *entire* time I’d sit here, I’d want to be on the beach or in the water. Instead, you’ve got a whole Grinch vibe going just watching everyone from afar. But hey, at least the hike down won’t be as sweaty as the hike up must’ve been.
Okay, okay, okay, maybe you’re right — maybe I’m not okay with people doing it for the Instagram.
Keep An Eye Out: Washed FC Training Top
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Love this. I’ve been dying for written content
That washed FC training top is sooo hot