Washed Weekly: A Skewering of Mixology & The Big Guy Turns 30
That pixelated New Yorker who came to you in search of a new way of life is all grown up.
Welcome to Washed Weekly — a weekly newsletter that will feature original columns, quick reads, exclusive product drops, and an offering of some of the best content we’ve created throughout the week that was. Read it, enjoy it, and pass it on to anyone you think will enjoy it, too. You can also check out the Washed network of podcasts.
We Need To Stop Food’ing Our Drinks
by
What does your discover feed look like? Because I know that’s an intimidating question after a recent SNL sketch, I’ll lead things off by divulging a snapshot of mine:
This is not atypical of my normal discover feed: music, Grateful Dead, golf, redheads, occasional horniness, and—of course—cocktail recipes for cocktails that no one will ever want to drink.
What you’re about to read is now a skewering of mixology. It’s not a criticism of bartenders and the greater service industry. This is solely a takedown of cocktails that have no business having food added to them.
Let’s take, for example, the above drink: The Tzatzikitini. It’s a gin-based cocktail that requires 24 hours of tzatziki just chilling in the same container with the gin, thus giving it the flavor once it’s strained out. And I want to be clear about something — this is absolutely vile.
I know we’ve all become numb to dairy being mixed with cocktails now that espresso martinis are essentially formalities at group dinners, but we cannot be taking ourselves seriously when we’re distilling vodka with cocktail sauce to make a Shrimp Cocktailtini. We’re simply not doing that, nor are we pretending to.
Exhibit B. The Parmesan Martini.
We’re just okay with shredded cheese floating around in vodka? We’re collectively alright with the absolute sludge it produces that simply gets discarded? Not to sound all Allen, Texas location-y but I don’t like that sort of disrespect to shredded cheese. But most importantly, we just need to ask ourselves, “Do our espresso martinis need a hint of parmesan in the lingering aftertaste?” This is our reality now.
Don’t even get me started on the caesar salad situation we also covered via Retail Therapy.
While this can be claimed a simple garnish, there’s a level of decadence that we as a society simply do not need to reach.
In years of Post Grad Problems past, I wrote a scathing review of the food culture surrounding the Bloody Mary. Chicken wings. Lobster claws. Sliders. All piled high to the point where you don’t know where the meal ends and the cocktail begins. This is not your grandfather’s America. This is the freezer aisle at Gordon Food Service.
As we trudge through trying to figure out what the Drink of the Summer is (it will be Hugo Spritzes again), I implore you to seek out options that do not put food-driven spirits in the forefront. Oyster shooters be damned, it’s time to draw a line somewhere.
We discussed the tzatzikitini on this week’s episode of Retail Therapy, which airs on Sunday on YouTube. You can also get regular Retail Therapy updates from Barrett and I on the new Substack.
To Our First Hire On His 30th Birthday
by Dave
Where does the time go? You blink, and it’s gone. That highly polished yet highly pixelated New Yorker who came to you in search of a new way of life is all grown up.
I remember it like it was yesterday. Will took a quick jaunt up NYC way for business and an up-and-coming hotshot from a thriving media company reached out to invite him for coffee. That young hotshot was you, Brett, and we’d soon find out that you don’t even drink coffee. You’re more of a dirty chai latte guy. Objectively weird, but it hasn’t affected your ability to develop business. It was such a big moment in Washed Media history that I saved our group text from that day:
Will: I met with that Brett dude. Nice kid. Still a little raw, but the talent is there. Has a Blackberry phone that he keeps on a very visible holster. Well groomed, but made a point to let me know that he gets triple digit haircuts once a month.
Dillon: Who paid? Also, you didn’t need the comma after the two phrases in the final sentence of the text message above.
Will: He did. I offered, but he insisted on paying with his boss’s (Dave I think?) personal credit card.
Me: Nice. I’ll be completely honest: I saw a video of this dude playing golf, and there’s something off. He seems completely obsessed with chasing lag. Not saying we shouldn’t hire him but be aware that this kid might be the type to print golf tutorial PDFs at the office and talk about it all day. I just want to put that out there.
Dillon: Hmm. That’s definitely something we should keep an eye on if we move forward with him. Good eye, Dave. You’re not only my favorite podcaster, but you’re also my favorite business person.
Will: Facts.
After that, your trip to Austin was a mere formality. Our interview process, i.e. taking you to a bar on West Sixth that we were all too old to be at, was a mere formality. You probably knew that, but it didn’t stop you from having multiple spreadsheets and power point presentations loaded up on your phone to show anyone within earshot that you had big goals for this company. I blacked out that night.
The rest is digital media history. In the years you’ve been with us, we’ve watched you grow from boy with a crippling sugar free Red Bull addiction into a grown man with a crippling Celsius addiction. A big city boy to a big city boy who vacations in Montana and purchases shirts from cool towns. A hero of the pandemic who bravely dared people to stand up every now and then. A guy who will loudly claim his disdain for Chipotle yet still eat their food multiple times per week. You’re the sauce of Washed Media.
Happy Birthday, Brett. I hope you have life figured out by now.
Ranking My Coworkers at Golden Tee
by
Our machine arrived about a month ago, and it’s easy to say it’s added a palpable excitement to our office. I knew it was only a matter of time before everyone here got the itch to spin that fucker and try to go low. How low, though? All but one is off to a rough start. Let’s rank Brett, Randy, Will, and Dave’s abilities on the Golden Tee machine.
Me
This column isn’t intended to be a self-serving endeavor, but in order to put together an accurate and comprehensive list, I must be ranked, too. There’s a reason why our stream is called Dillon’s Track House and not the Guys of Washed Media Track House. I am the best in the office by a comfortable margin, and until these fellas start to ascend the ranks at a rapid clip, my place at the top won’t be threatened.
Brett
As I type this, Brett just holed out from 100 yards on the first hole of Kangaroo Trail. New to the game, Brett seems to be picking it up much quicker than the rest of them. He’s living below par at this point, something I can’t say for anyone else in the office.
If there’s a long term threat to my crown, it lies in the right hand of Mondo Brett Merriman.
Will
I mean, Will is fiiiine. He seems to completely ignore the wind factor in this game and I can’t make sense of it. The wind is literally the first thing I look at when I approach the tee box. How many times are you gonna sit there and watch your approach shot drift 20 yards off target until you finally decide to make the adjustment?
I keep telling him he needs to play a round against me to pick up on the many intricacies of the game, but he’s scared. Intimidated, perhaps. The first few months of a Golden Tee player’s career is all about absorbing information and learning from it. Will needs to embrace this mindset, because his -7 handicap isn’t scaring anyone at this point.
Except for maybe Dave.
Dave
Last week during the first ever Dillon’s Track House live stream, I played against Dave for a simple, yet very intentional reason. There are many people tuning in who have never played this game before. Thus, they don’t know how difficult it truly is. Especially when you play in Online mode as opposed to Casual. It makes the greens break much sharper, the pin locations get much more difficult to target, and the wind picks up tremendously.
By matching up against Dave, a total novice, the on-screen product would reveal the juxtaposition between me, a seasoned player, and Dave, a rookie. What I didn’t intend to happen is me beating him by over 40 strokes. In hindsight, I feel bad about what happened. I certainly got the point across, though. Viewers get it now. This game is difficult, unforgiving, and unrelenting.
Dave is a lost puppy on the greens. Using the flatstick is all about the degree of break and adjusting the angle of your putt to account for it. He doesn’t do this, but he’s still figuring it out. Nothing but time. He’ll start to take big steps forward as he gets reps under his belt.
Randy
N/A. Randy hasn’t played yet, which is weird for a video game nerd like him.
Subscribe here to see the boys in action every Thursday @ 2:00 CDT.
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