Washed Weekly: Pimento Cheese, The Masters, & a Cool Dad From the 'Burbs
Let's squash this beef.
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Reviewing Everything I Ate at The 2024 Masters
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It wasn’t what I looked forward to the most, but it was what I thought about ad nauseam — maybe literally. The Masters has its traditions: the ceremonial first tee shot, The Champions Dinner, Par 3 contest, and (of course) everyone on Twitter saying what they’d order if they had $15 to spend at the concessions.
Here’s the menu as if you haven’t seen it a million times already:
And on Tuesday, I finally had the opportunity to do it myself in the flesh.
Barely 9 a.m. when we first approached, I had my eyes set on one thing and one thing only: The Chicken Biscuit Sandwich. Did it live up to the hype? Let’s find out.
All items below are listed in order of consumption (except for the Crow’s Nest Wheat Ales which were equally dispersed throughout the day).
Fountain Diet Cola ($2.00)
While I normally go full-sugar for my soft drinks these days because they’re so few and far between, I simply needed some non-coffee caffeine to avoid an extended bathroom break later in the morning. You can’t miss Tiger, Freddie, and JT teeing off on 8 because you’re hunched over in a stall.
Rating: 6.0/10
Chicken Biscuit Sandwich ($2.00)
The item I looked forward to the most. Now that I’ve slow-faded pescatarian life until summertime, I found myself eating a chicken tender for breakfast surrounded by a biscuit that I can only describe as “maybe a little dry but still pretty good.” Could it have used some honey and butter like we were at Whataburger? I mean, probably.
Rating: 7.2/10
Crow’s Nest Wheat Ale ($5.00)
The sweet nectar of Augusta National. Did I know this existed prior to ordering one? No, I always assumed that line item on the menu was a cocktail with cranberry juice in it or something.
Served in the classic green cups with “Crow’s Nest” written in the trademark Masters font, it’s hard not to get sucked in to suck down. My only true edit would be serving them in a bottle that had grooves on it so it shot down your throat faster, but overall I will be craving these every April until further notice.
Rating: 9.2/10
Pimento Cheese Sandwich ($1.50)
Possibly the most widely discussed item on the entire menu, pimento cheese lives in the DNA of The Masters.
Do I have high standards for pimento cheese? Yes, because I make a damn good batch. But I didn’t want to let my personal experiences affect how I viewed the sandwich.
The bread? Perfectly cushiony, like it was right out of the Wonder Bread bag. Felt like I had an expander again the way it stuck to the roof of my mouth.
The pimento cheese itself? No other way to describe it other than “classic” which is a compliment, but I also was looking for something that would differentiate it from the rest. As cocky as this may sound, I think this particular Masters delicacy can be easily recreated at home.
Rating: 7.6/10
White Chocolate Pecan Cookie ($1.50)
Absolute pure unadulterated gas. Melt in your mouth deliciousness that’s as pure as the Bermuda grass under your feet. My biggest regret is that I didn’t purchase one for myself; I simply had a bite of the cookie my cousin, Dana, purchased.
While this wasn’t my number-one item in my head as I walked off the course, I now believe it is. Near perfect mass-made cookie, no notes.
Rating: 9.6/10
Georgia Peach Ice Cream Sandwich ($2.50)
An item that was left off the menu in 2022 due to supply chain issues, it has made a triumphant return in both 2023 (I think?) and 2024. And I’m glad it’s made the trip home.
Splitting this between two of us, I found myself glad to only have half of it in my hands. While it was delicious (with the subtle peach ice cream being a highlight), it’s simply too decadent to finish after a day of Crow’s Nests. And if the sun is out? Game over, you’ve now got sticky hands.
Luckily, those bathroom lines move fast.
Rating: 8.8/10
A White Dad From the ‘Burbs Explains the Rap Beef Between Kendrick Lamar, Drake, & J. Cole
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An ongoing beef among musical artists Kendrick Lamar, Drake, and J. Cole is creating division in hip-hop culture. The beef dates back several years and has a few moving parts that might be difficult to follow for the casual observer. It can be a little confusing if you don’t have your ear to the streets, so let this pretty cool white dad from the ‘burbs explain and get you caught up.
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Ayo I haven’t tapped in with y’all in a minute! Please forgive me. I have no good excuses other than your boy has been downright busy lately. Life’s been crazy lately for real, plus I’ve been taking it in the shorts from the missus!
Anyway, I have a little time on my hands so I figured I’d drop a line and spit some facts about this rap beef that’s had my attention recently. You guys seeing this?
Like the time I scuffed my Timbs the same day they came out the box, Kendrick Lamar and Drake are not happy.
What could possibly have Kendrick rapping “Motherfuck the big three, n****, it's just big me” on the Future and Metro Boomin joint, "Like That" (which goes hard, by the way)?
Well it’s because in the Drake and J. Cole joint, “First Person Shooter” from Drake’s latest album, "For All the Dogs," they refer to themselves plus Kendrick as “The Big 3.” Honestly that’s a dub, Kendrick! They’re including you as one of the three biggest names in hip-hop, my guy. They’re glazing you! I’d take that if I were you.
Kendrick is a different cat, though.
You have to understand that the Kendrick and Drake beef dates back like a decade or some shit. These two been going at it for a while now. You know how these rapping types can be. Beef is nothing new in the hip-hop game. So long as the bliccs stay put away unlike how like it used to go down in the ‘90s, it’s good for the game. It gets people spinning their records.
On the other hand, J. Cole and Kendrick been dawgs throughout their careers, so it’s like what’s going on there, you know? That clearly didn’t stop J. Cole from taking a shot at Kendrick in newly released “7 Minute Drill” with a reference to Kendrick’s declining popularity.
“He still doin' shows, but fell off like the Simpsons.
Your first shit was classic, your last shit was tragic.
Your second shit put n***** to sleep, but they gassed it.
Your third shit was massive and that was your prime.
I was trailin' right behind and I just now hit mine.”
Sheeeeeesh, player!
J. Cole was on his guilt shit and felt bad soon after the song was released, however, and issued an apology to Kendrick during his performance in Raleigh, North Carolina, which a lot of people are saying is on some p*ssy shit but it’s whatever. J. Cole wants to dip out this beef, it seems.
Here’s what J. Cole said:
“I just want to come up here and publicly be like, bruh, that was the lamest, goofiest shit. And I pray that y'all are like, forgive a n**** for the misstep and I can get back to my true path. Because I ain't gonna lie to y'all. The past two days felt terrible.”
Lmbo okay, J. Cole. Getting all soft on us. Those lyrics live on forever, G. It ain’t even like that.
“Where’d Kendrick’s beef with Drizzy start, though?” you’re probably wondering. Kendrick was featured on Big Sean's 2013 song "Control." In that track, he dissed all the major hitters in the rap game, claiming to be better than all ‘um.
"And that goes for Jermaine Cole, Big K.R.I.T., Wale, Pusha T, Meek Millz, A$AP Rocky, Drake, Big Sean, Jay Electron', Tyler, Mac Miller / I got love for you all, but I'm tryna murder you n*****."
Come on, fam. Murder? Uh hey, maybe chill out lol? Since this 2013 joint, the two rappers been subbing at each other on various tracks over the years, keeping the feud alive. Bars on bars, digs on digs. Some real shit.
Kendrick wasn’t finished on that Future and Metro Boomin song, by the way. He ended his verse with "'Fore all your dogs gettin' buried. That's a K with all these nines, he gon' see Pet Sematary (Yeah)." Now I’m not entirely sure what that means, but there’s a clear implication there, is there not? And it’s NOT good.
That’s the last of the situation as far as the public is concerned. Here’s the thing, though: According to retired rapper and media personality Joe Budden, Kendrick and Drake both have diss tracks recorded and ready for release that Budden claims are “nuclear.” In other words, shit could pop off at any moment if this beef isn’t squashed soon.
Stay tuned.
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Listen to Dillon, Dave, and special guest Ross Bolen discuss this rap beef on Tuesday’s Patreon episode:
What I’m Cooking, Drinking, And Watching This Weekend
by Dave
What I’m Cooking
I came in here talking a big game about my new Instagram muse, and a skirt steak burrito bowl concoction that I was going to prepare. Well, I’m not the type of guy who’s afraid to take an L, and I’m certainly not the type to embellish the result for the sake of sounding cool in a newsletter. Somewhere in process, mistakes were made. The skirt steak that was supposed to yield tender, weapon’s grade fajita-style protein never came to be. Maybe I under-marinated with the lime/orange juice concoction from my man’s video. Who knows? But it didn’t stop me from eating it for the next three days. It’s called meal prepping, and you roll with what you got.
As for this weekend, I just need to get back into the win column. For me, that means a nice slab of pork ribs on a Sunday afternoon. Given the gravity of the events of the weekend, which I’ll further elaborate on in a moment, timing will be key. I refuse to watch the back-nine at Augusta on a delay because I had to wrap my ribs. I’m confident I can make this work even with a baby and a toddler who doesn’t understand how bad Daddy needs a Justin Rose top-5 finish.
What I’m Drinking
I’m coming off a big Peroni weekend if you can believe it. A hard pivot from what I assumed would be a Red Stripe heavy garage maximum chill situation. But what pairs best with The Masters? I’m not one to overthink it. I don’t need an Azalea recipe to further enjoy the greatest weekend in sports. This isn’t a three-year-old’s themed birthday party. I’m just looking for buzz that keeps me dialed as I text Brett to put down bets in real-time for me.
I’ll very likely be in the comfort of my own home, and I’m very comfortable with my options. At night, when we’re Live From The Masters, I’ll probably call upon the Colonel over one (1) big rock. It’s not my best bottle, but there’s a smug pageantry to it that I like. Now, when moving day pops off and things start to move quickly, I’ll be gripping a Stripe like my life depended on it. Glass can be dicey with the kids around, but I’ll probably be sitting in a lawn chair in my garage at that point, so who cares?
What I’m Watching
The Masters
This guy’s crazy! He freaking loves The Masters!
I’m not afraid of being that guy. There’s a moment before a golf trip when you’ve cleaned out your bag and cleaned up your clubs, and you know your Bluetooth speaker is charged. In that moment, you know that you’ve done all you can do, and what happens next is in god’s hands. I believe The Masters equivalent is adding the little yellow star to all the players you’ve got bets on in the app. Streamlining your vices. It’s so great.
UFC 300
When I first realized that these two events were overlapping, I hated it. Now that it’s time™, I’m in on satisfying my lust for violence on the eve of Masters’ Sunday. You see, it’s a juxtaposition play. I want to ride the high of The Cat only being 11 shots back right into Max and Justin throwing bombs for two rounds. Probably one. It’s going to be a fantastic weekend.
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I’m going to need Will’s pimento cheese recipe with this hype
Let out an audible 'LFG' when I saw suburban dad breaking down rap beef again. Good stuff, Dorn.