Washed Weekly: Iced Nards & The End of an Era
To all our brothers posted up at Twin Peaks or The Hoot today.
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My Retirement From New York Times Word Games
by
I used to think having a routine in life would enrich me. In an ideal world, I’d wake up to a light stretch and some Australian pour-over before settling in for a 15-minute meditation. After an outdoor shower, I could then choose to work from my personal studio or home office and begin my day.
But I’ve now realized that having a routine may be the most dangerous thing for me. It settles me down. It over-simplifies my life. And it causes me to spike my phone through the wall because some demented fuck at The New York Times decided to make today’s Connections borderline impossible for his own personal amusement.
Over the last couple years, I’ve had the same “routine” while allowing my coffee to cool down — I’d sit butt-deep on the couch and play in-app New York Times games in this exact order: the classic Mini crossword first, followed by Wordle that I have a 94% win rate at.
Then things changed.
What’s this? Connections? Another word game that won’t take me 30+ minutes like the real crossword? For a brief moment in time, I was all-in.
That’s when it started fucking with me though.
I’d begin to form seemingly-meaningful and valid “connections” with words that made sense to me. Sure, I’d win spotlessly enough at first, but they always seem to draw you in before they turn the heat up. Full admission: I can’t stand the heat, and I need to get out of this kitchen.
Like, are we really doing this? Really?
Of course, in an isolated vacuum, that only seems innocent. Jigsaw doesn’t take any days off though.
My brain is supposed to catch this? All before I drink the mediocre coffee from the pot that I haven’t really cleaned in the last few days? That’s what we’re doing here?
The frustrations began to mount. My mini-crossword numbers started skewing far too close to the one-minute mark. I was double-guessing classic letters in Wordle like a fool. I’d find myself near tears while sitting on the toilet trying to figure out those damn purple Connections answers.
The deterioration of my mental health can only go so far before I have to put a stop to it. When I realized how much time I was wasting on Reddit during the pandemic, I deleted the app altogether and never looked back. Why should this be any different?
Maybe it’s because it’s been about 22 years since I’ve taken a proper English class, but I don’t even remember what a homophone is.
I could point to their coverage (or lack thereof) of certain world events when I claim I’m going to take my business elsewhere. I could claim that maybe the Epstein stuff shouldn’t have been buried ten scrolls down when I start to criticize the Times. I could even just whine about how many physical Sunday newspapers never made it to my door at my old place, but that’s probably more of the fault of my old-ass neighbor and not them.
But I’m not petty. I’ll be blunt here: I’m retiring from playing all New York Times word games until further notice.
Or at least until they fire whoever’s behind Connections lately.
What I’m Cooking, Drinking, And Watching This Weekend
by Dave
What I’m Cooking
Meatball Dave checking in. You’ve probably spent a good portion of your week wondering how my Sunday Meatballs™ turned out. Let me put it this way: They were gone in 24 hours. Seven meatballs served piping hot with angel hair spaghetti down the hatch, baby. The other five were consumed as a meatball sandwich for lunch. See Exhibit A and B below.
A.
B.
Hard to believe, right? Your Nonna didn’t make that. It was your friend Dave, who you’ve likely never met, and he’s not fucking around. As for this weekend? I’ve been trending backyard burger thanks to a Wendy’s commercial I saw roughly twenty minutes ago. Wendy’s might have the largest gap between what is advertised and what they actually serve to you. Don’t get me wrong. The spicy chicken sandwich is one of the most underrated fast-food items in America. But the burger always leaves something to be desired.
So I’ll be taking matters into my own hands and cooking up a signature big dog bad boy backyard burger this weekend. Keep it simple for the family.
What I’m Drinking
This is awkward. I don’t think I can drink right now. Not that being sober is odd, but this section is traditionally about letting loose with a beer or two in the garage. Unfortunately, I’m currently on a three-day round of antibiotics, 800 mb of Ibuprofen, and there’s an ice pack on my nards. No more kids for me, but I should be good for one of the three Peroni in my fridge on Sunday. I think that’ll pair well with my son’s first tee ball practice Sunday afternoon. I’ll be the dad leaning over the chain-link fence yelling “Squish the bug, Big Dog!” all day long.
What I’m Watching
My favorite thing about March has always been the madness. It’s truly wild. The first set of games aren’t even over, but I think this bracket of mine is about to bust. I’m currently running the YouTube TV Multiview, and I have to say: that’s a nice touch. I need a gut-wrenching ending soon if it’s going to keep my interest, though. I watched waaay too much Michigan State-Mississippi State when I got home, and boy was that a stinker. Thanks for showing up, Bulldogs.
To all my brothers posted up at Twin Peaks or The Hoot today: Go off. Have a Triple Play for me. Wash it down with a 29-degree domestic. How about a combo plate of Honey Sriracha and Daytona Beach? Sounds delightful. Leave your buddy’s number on the receipt. Haha. He’s single. Cool. Show the waitress a picture of your family so she knows it’s all in good fun. Michelle will appreciate that. Become one of her regulars. Start going there by yourself at least once a week. Ask to sit in her section. It’s fine, dude. Leave a good tip. She’s a business major. Your friend owns a business! Find her on Instagram. Don’t follow her. That’s weird. Oh, she doesn’t work there anymore. Ha, that’s cool. Wish her the best. Just grab a seat at the bar. “Can you throw McAfee on that TV, please?”
Are You Living in this Nation Where Donuts, Pizza, & Alcohol are Illegal?
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I enjoy eating clean every now and then. It feels good. I’m more energetic, sleep better, clear-minded, all that good stuff. I also like to take two or three weeks off from drinking in January. The full month just isn’t happening, so lay off me.
Taking off a couple weeks gets a player feeling good, though, you know? The runs of super healthy habits never last, and that’s how I like it. I’m good with it. It’s my decision. The unhealthy habits are simply more fun.
I think the only way I’m able to accomplish these healthy stretches is knowing that I could break at any moment I choose, and that brings me comfort. That keeps me going. Someone brings donuts to the office or an invite for after-work beers hits the inbox, and there I am without hesitation.
Bryan Johnson, the millionaire “biohacker” who’s obsessed with staying young and choosing when he dies and tracks his boners and injects his teenage son’s blood into his own, has the grand idea of starting his own nation-state somewhere in the U.S. It sounds like the worst place imaginable.
From Daily Mail:
But the entrepreneur-turned longevity guru says he now plans to found his own 'don't die' nation-state for fellow anti-agers.
It would welcome people from all across the world fighting to live longer, he said, and 'pool' its citizens' resources to help everyone secure access to the tests, therapies and supplements they need to help de-age their bodies.
Eventually, it would also negotiate with other nation states for special access to treatments.
But citizens may have to forgo foods such as donuts and pizza because eating junk food would be considered 'an act of violence'. Even Alcohol could be off-limits.
This extends beyond pizza and donuts, too. You can’t eat candy, ice cream, or a cheeseburger either. No french fries. No chips and salsa. Dave wouldn’t last five minutes. You can’t wind down at night with a heavy pour of red or throw a 4mg Lucy in after lunch.
This is bullshit. The only thing worse than only eating fruits and veggies paired with water for the foreseeable future is being surrounded by people who only eat fruits and veggies paired with water. Can you imagine how insufferable this nation would be? The conversations they’ll have? Just a collection of the lamest, no-fun-having, most vain people on the planet.
When you’re spending all of your life with the sole purpose of extending it, are you even enjoying it?
We talk more about Bryan Johnson and how he tracks his erections while he sleeps at 50:20 in the below episode.
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We all know Dave is going to be calling his son (and his partner) ‘Chili Dog’