Washed Weekly: Horror Film Survival & Front Street: Washed Employees
Keep your clothes on if you want to live.
Welcome to Washed Weekly — a weekly newsletter that will feature original columns, quick reads, exclusive product drops, and an offering of some of the best content we’ve created throughout the week that was. Read it, enjoy it, and pass it on to anyone you think will enjoy it, too. You can also check out the Washed network of podcasts.
It Wouldn’t Have Gone Down Like That
by
A few nights ago I watched the original Friday the 13th (1980). I hadn’t seen it in probably 15 years so I decided to run it back. I enjoyed the movie, because I enjoy scary movies this time of year. I like the corny, hokey ones just as much as the truly terrifying ones, though the former a bit more than the latter.
The original Friday the 13th is not a great movie, but it certainly has its place among classic American horror films. It was the beginning of a popular franchise and, of course, the iconic hockey mask worn by the infamous antagonist.
We’re talking sex, drinking, a hitchhiker’s throat getting slit, teenage camp counselors getting knifed lakeside, and of course, the origin of Jason Voorhees, the child who drowned in Crystal Lake and later comes back to life to exact revenge for his death.
The killer in this movie, however, is not Jason. It’s his mother, Pamela Voorhees, a former cook at the camp who blames the camp counselors for letting her son drown despite it happening years before these particular counselors were employed by Camp Crystal Lake. After the camp counselors and, later on, the owner of the camp are slain by Mrs. Voorhees, the lone survivor, camp counselor Alice, would decapitate her after a long, drawn out, multi-location struggle.
Alice has a total of four (4) physical altercations with Mrs. Voorhees, all in which Mrs. Voorhees is very much trying to take Alice’s life. Alice, through her sheer will to live, is able to fight her off during the first three encounters. During each of these, Mrs. Voorhees is either knocked woozy or flat-out knocked out cold. During one particular spirited fight, Alice takes a frying pan to Mrs. Voorhees head and lays her ass OUT. Totally unconscious.
Here’s where she went wrong, though. It’s a common victim miscalculation in slasher films, but after the three encounters wherein Alice gets the best of her, and Mrs. Voorhees is lying on the floor unconscious, she evades the scene instead of finishing the job. Just dips.
Look, lady, this bitch is literally trying to murder you. She’s holding a huge knife and coming at your neck with it. You get her down, you have to end her. Take that frying pan and hit her over the head repeatedly until you see brains. Just cave her skull in and be done with it. She’s right there, unable to fight back. Double tap, triple tap, just keep tapping until she’s dead.
In a fight or flight scenario, she chose fight, then she chose flight. She was supposed to stick to plan A and end it.
Finally, during battle number four, Alice takes her head off with a machete. End scene.
All I’m saying is, if it were me in Alice’s shoes, it wouldn’t have gone down like that.
Mrs. Voorhees isn’t making it out of fight number one. This is life or death. I’m snatching her life from her without reservation. I’m wearing her brains all over my size 11 Chacos that I very appropriately brought to the summer camp by the lake.
What did we learn here? That when you get an opportunity to kill the person who’s very actively trying to kill you, you don’t pass it up. You don’t evade.
Some other rules to follow if you’re trying to survive a serial killer in a horror film, if you ever find yourself in one:
1. Don’t have sex.
If you’re fucking in a slasher movie, you’re about to die. That’s a rule. Not fucking is Survival 101. In Friday the 13th, two counselors sneak off into the dark of night to find an empty cabin and have sex. Kevin Bacon is one of the actors. Guess what happens next. They get fucking murdered.
2. Don’t be hot.
Hot people are targets for serial killers. Everyone knows this. If Vegas were to release odds on which characters are murdered, the uggos will be the longest odds every time. Guaranteed. If you’re the noticeably ugly friend among a group of 8s and above, there’s a good chance you’re making it to the sequel.
3. Don’t show your titties.
I understand these first three rules can basically be wrapped up into one, but if you show your titties in a horror film, ESPECIALLY if they’re really nice titties, you’re dead within minutes, probably via knife. Skinny dipping, changing clothes, stripping down before taking a shower (on that note, don’t shower at all actually) – just make sure the camera doesn’t catch a glimpse of those nice titties or you’ll be bleeding out before you can reach for a towel.
4. Don’t be black.
If you’re black in a group of other black people, you’re as safe as you can be, given the circumstances. However, if you’re the black friend among a bunch of white people, I’m sorry to inform you that your guts are about to be on the outside of your body. The killers are all racist.
5. Keep your phone charged.
It’s wild how many horror film victims are just out here walking around with 3% battery life. Don’t do this. If the local news reports a killer on the loose, reach for that charger, fam. Stay prepared. Bonus points for spending time in an area that gets adequate cell service.
6. Don’t go upstairs.
The thing about going upstairs when being chased by a murderer is it severely limits your escapability. The number of escape routes at your disposal drops from infinity to literally zero. Also, they always look in the closet. That’s actually the first place anyone would think to look.
7. Strap up.
Straight up, keep that blicc on you. It’s a very sufficient killing tool. Proven time and time again. I can’t explain it, but horror movie serial killers don’t carry firearms. Ever. They carry knives, machetes, or chainsaws. It’s never a 40-cal Glock. Keep that toolie on you, preferably one with an extendo clip because you’re going to miss a few times, plus you have to shoot these horror film killers about 30 times before they drop. And once they drop, double tap the dome. Not the chest. The dome. They try and knife you in the gut, let that fucker SING.
8. Don’t hesitate to get law enforcement involved.
911 is the phone number for emergencies. Being chased by a chainsaw wielding lunatic qualifies as an emergency. Call the cops sooner than later. The best time to call the cops is before anyone is brutally murdered. The second best time to call the cops is after the first person is murdered. If three people get dropped and local law enforcement hasn’t been made aware of what’s happening in their quaint, sleepy town, you’re just asking to get killed and no one will feel sorry for you. In fact, I hope you get killed.
Hope this helps!
Breaking Down The Desk of Everyone at Washed Media
by
Each and every Monday morning, I post something to the Sunday Scaries Instagram story: a plea for people to submit their “Rough Mondays” that seem to include everything from two-day hangovers to spilled coffees. Lately, however, there’s been a significant uptick in complaints regarding remote work. Or, the lack thereof.
People are returning to offices at a rapid clip against their will. What began to feel like the norm is now a pain point for the American workforce. While I don’t care where you work from as long as you’re productive, I do think having a dedicated work desk is essential for anyone looking to become a generational deal closer.
Here out ‘round Washed Media way, we knew the importance of this and ordered an elite desk setup that perfectly fits six people (despite us only having five full-time employees). And now, I’d like to break them all down for you.
Producer Randy
Things of Note: The “Honk if you’d rather be listening to ‘The Edmund Fitzgerald’ in a dimly lit midwest bar” sticker, the loudest light-up keyboard you’ve ever seen, classic producer “I need a PC” PC.
Randy’s desk, for lack of a better term, is boring. Is this because he technically has a second desk in the podcast studio where he spends a majority of his time? Perhaps. Is it because when he’s normally sitting at this desk, he’s got his feet up on it telling stories that end with him trailing off? It’s possible. But when it comes to your producer, you want him to have a boring desk filled with hard drives and headphones (which could also be the name of his debut country album).
Dave
Things of Note: Baseball cards from the childhood collection, hickory golf club bottle opener, fresh coffee, Luca bobblehead, personalized note from a Backer.
I respect Dave’s desk a lot, and that’s actually facts. He’s leaning into the Matthew McConaughey Two for the Money sports theme which I respect, but he’s also mixing in family photos and Backer praise alike. While I’m not thrilled he’s still tossing a Microsoft Surface Pro from 2019 on this thing when he rolls in, we’ll confront that Q1 2025. While it’s been proven that a second screen increases productivity by over 33%, Dave’s grind mentality makes up for that. I do think he’s tired at looking at the stickers on the back of my desktop, though.
Dillon
Things of Note: Ergonomic mousepad, glizzy mug, Lucy Breakers, random sticky notes containing HR complaints from Randy, "Movies with Balls” by Kyle Bandujo, a mini bat from Louisville Slugger, a succulent that he’s watered maybe twice.
Dillon is the college roommate who keeps the common areas nice and clean, but when you enter his room it’s just a pit of random items that could have been there for 24 hours or 24 months. The least sexy desk at Washed, as much as it pains me to say. The beauty of his desk, however, is that he has no one sitting across from him which means he’s got a clear view of the parking lot. Situated directly between Brett and Dave, though, it only amplifies how haphazard he keeps his situation.
Brett
Things of Note: Deal closing journal, over-ear headphones spiral cord, Labatt Blue Light homemade scented candle, hockey water bottle, lacrosse ball for stretching, Dan Marino bobblehead.
This is what you want your biz dev guy’s desk to look like. Streamlined with enough personal touches that you know he’s not a psycho, the grind mentality hockey water bottle for quick hydration, and a desktop background that says, “Yeah, I like dope ass mountain views which signals I’m not a normal biz dev guy — I’m a chill biz dev guy.” And honestly, he is. Probably the only person I’d immediately switch desks with at Washed, but it’s mainly because he’s next to the window.
Will (me)
Things of Note: Wired Apple headphones, scented candle testers, pencils that get used once per quarter, ice water in a 2020 Masters cup, desk hat, mint toothpicks, an envelope full of Grateful Dead stickers, allergy meds, vetiver and fleur essential oils.
Much like my Ford F-350, I gave my desktop a lift. Even being a few years in, I’m not sure how I feel about it but I do think it helps my late-night neck pain. Situated directly underneath the A/C vent, I’m definitely the “cold one” in the office (when our A/C is working).
Am I proud of my desk? No. Am I embarrassed of it? Also no. What you can’t see in this photo is that I have the single best view of the television for mid-afternoon soccer purposes which is why I immediately set up my workstation in this area.
Alright, who you got?
Crewneck SZN
Crewnecks are now available in the Washed shop. We can’t wear them yet here in Texas, but we hope you enjoy them elsewhere.
Why Yes, I Am About To Finish Lost
by Dave
I should be done with Lost by now. Truthfully, I wish I was done with Lost by now. That certainly isn’t an indictment on the series, but attempting to burn through six seasons has been a grind. How did y’all do this for six years? I’ve taken my eye off the ball a bit. If your boss has ever made you read a business book, you’re probably thinking that I got distracted by the “shiny object.” Multiple shiny objects, really. College football. Professional football. Industry. I’ll definitely opine on that at some point. What a show.
Unless JJ Abrams and the gang tank these last ten episodes, Lost is everything I wanted it to be. Thought provoking with some cheesy dialogue sprinkled in. Questionable hair, makeup, and wardrobe given the status of the characters on the show. A monster made of smoke. Just what the doctor ordered. By today’s standards, it’s just fine, but I’m doing my best to give context to a show that dropped two decades ago.
I’m not sure of another series that made it less clear who, if anyone, is good, or if there is even a good at all. They dropped this show in the middle of the antihero era, and just about every character on the show fits the bill. Ben, one of the most perfectly cast and perfectly punchable characters in television history, had me pulling for him at times. Did we like it when he let his “daughter” get zipped up by the mercenary, or when he killed Jacob, shot Locke, shot Desmond, murdered Locke, etc? No, but… alright, that might be a stretch. But was he actually worse than Widmore? Maybe I’ll find out as I finish this thing.
And Sawyer. That handsome bad boy dumbass. What an elite JJ Abrams character. I bet writing for him was the most fun thing of all time. A snarky retort in every situation. Oh, he’s been captured by yet another random group of “bad guys” on the island? Well, I can tell you this: he is NOT going to go quietly, you son of a bitch!
Man, I could just do little blurbs on all these people.
Frank Lapidus- not sure why he’s around at this point, but I don’t hate having a fellow Parrott Head in the mix. Would love to chill at a swim-up bar in Lake Charles with him.
Jin- he learned a second language in like three months. Also, a dog by every definition.
Jack- tortured dickhead. Bad tattoos.
Kate- I’d watch a spinoff that was just her evading that US Marshall. When she wrecked him in the ladies room I howled.
Locke- your favorite alpha’s favorite alpha.
Give me one week to knock these last episodes out. Writing this out has reinvigorated me. Let’s see if they land the plane.
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Wait.. what happened to Dillon's Hooters mousepad?
Good stuff this week boys!